As I read my devotional today, I was reminded that I need to stop doing and start listening for God’s instructions for me. For those of you that know me, you can testify that I am a bit possessive and controlling when it comes to things like activities/jobs/responsibilities and that I takes things very personal and literal. I know that I can be over-critical due to me being obsessive and compulsive about how things are completed. I crave order and structure in most things I do. The scripture reading was Ephesians 5:17 “Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” (NLT) I am going to practice listening to God and what His will is for me, He knows what is best for me and He wants to be included on our daily decisions as well as the really big ones. So, today I am asking God to walk with me through my day and I am going to listen for clarity as they relate to situations occurring in my life at the moment. Below is the devotional I read for today, I hope you find hope, clarity and peace in all you do today! Thank you my friends for your support and prayers!

Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. (NLT) ( Ephesians 5:17 ) When we find ourselves in difficult situations, it’s always comforting that we can turn to God for His guidance. But sometimes, we turn to Him casually, almost an afterthought. In times when we truly seek out His plan for our lives and put great thought into it, clarity comes. It’s a process where God teaches us important lessons. If you are struggling and looking for what the Lord wants you to do, put some thought into God’s promises and He will be there with you…Download this app to get your daily devotions: http://jctrois.com

I want to share another verse that a dear friend shared with me yesterday. I hope you find it as comforting as I did.

Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.”
Proverbs 3.5-6

Here it is from The Message translation.
Proverbs 3:5
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God ‘s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.”

Regarding the previous post, I may not like the truths and facts of my life BUT, without them I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced all of the “not to pleasant” events in my life. To the person I loved and sacrificed for…I’d do it all again! My heart is forever changed because of you…I loved you more than I ever thought or imagined possible! I will always love you and I will always be your friend! To my high school friend, I know that you have your reasons that caused you to stop our conversations, when you are ready I’ll be here for you. I am the person I am because of all the good and bad things that have happened in my life. This blog is a result of those events and encouragement from friends to share my thoughts to a broader audience. Often, I think (selfishly) I am the only person to experience loss…the reality, as humans and creatures of habits…we all experience things sometime the same or in similar ways, God gave me the ability to write my feelings and I pray that through His gift others might find answers or commonalities to seek healing and guidance, not from me but from God, our Heavenly Father who loves us all. My friends, I love you all and each of you has touched my life in very profound ways! Peace ❤

As humans we are all born into a sinful nature. With that being said, I am struggling today, hating the facts and truths of my life like…that the person I loved with every part of my being no longer loved me or to have a high school friend show up in my life when I truly needed a friend to just one day decide she no longer wants to talk to me or give me a reason why and to no longer have my mom here with me and all those that loved her…this conditional world is cruel and full of disappointment and I guess most days I accept that and know that this is not my permanent home but today I’m weak, lonely, tired and angry wanting to act upon my anger but knowing that’s not the answer I’m searching for an outlet for this pain I carry inside me. I know God is there and maybe it makes me even weaker thinking I need more. I try so very hard to be all the things that my mom was to me and my family but I fail, I am not strong enough plus, I know that’s not really my role but I just want to love, be loved and help wherever I can, like my mom did. My point, and there is one…sometimes we think we have to hide our “true” self from everyone, I have hidden behind too many things in my life and I’m saying its ok to have days where everything feels wrong and to experience anger, strife, pain and loneliness, God does want us to go to Him but He also gave us family and friends to help lighten our load by sharing and encouraging one another…through tears, laughter, silence, hugging and most definitely prayer. I needed to be reminded of the message I wrote earlier stating that God never promised easy, He promised to always be with us.

My Peace I give you,
My Peace I leave with you!

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

I’ve been thinking a lot today of events in my life and how they have shaped and molded my life. We all have our share of good and let’s say, difficult times. I’ve learned that true happiness can only be appreciated when you’ve experienced maddening sadness, companionship is sweeter when you’ve tasted loneliness. In the past decade, I found love when I wasn’t looking for it, lost love without seeing it coming and my mom was taken to Heaven. Through all this I found myself…I’m learning to love myself as I love others. A lot of the time I feel very much like a lost little girl wanting her mom to find her, grab her and hold her tight. I know that’s not going to happen! I guess I want to be someone to somebody, but first I need to be someone to myself. I know that God has a plan for me…

It’s About Forgiveness

I have no right to be angry
But I am…

Life comes with no guarantees
It can consume us, if we allow it..

Self loathing and pity we give freely
Responsibility we hide in corners.

Out of sight, out of mind
Hoping it will be lost forever

Oh but it returns full of vigor
At the height of our pride

Making us humble and weak
Truth sometimes frees us

Truth often hurts before freeing us
No more burden to bare alone

Forgiveness, sweet as a spring rain
Refreshing and allows growth within

I want to dance in the rain
I want forgiveness
It must start with me…

~C.A.Robinson
August 25, 2012
2:16pm

Today was my birthday, I have always loved my birthday. To have one special day just for yourself! I had a good day, I woke to birthday text messages, I worked for a friend, a friend took me to lunch, a friend gave me cupcakes, a friend gave me several gifts, I was serenaded twice and received numerous birthday hugs and greeting plus birthday cards! I am truly blessed not because of gifts and cards…I am loved by these individuals and they made me feel extra special today! I am very blessed! This feeling can be shared and experienced on a daily basis, God wants to shower each of us with his everlasting love each and every day…ask Him to be a part of your day and exciting things will surround you! I am not promising that you will never experience difficult times but God does promise to always be with us, you only need to ask and invite Him on your daily journey through this world.

~C.A.Robinson
July 30, 2013
10:41pm

I am surrounded by varied opinions as well as my own, and I am now in an indeterminate state of confusion. I have spent a considerate amount of my adult life coming to terms with the person I am and learning and accepting whom I belong to. Now, I find myself searching again with new questions that must be deliberated. What is my truth? Does my truth need justified, be accepted or can I just be me and hope it’s enough? A scholar, I do not profess to be but I have faith and believe I am loved and I matter as a human being, a child of God. Have I been fooled into believing this feeling and nature of my character is so depraved and immoral that I will suffer the bowels of Hell for loving, being in love and ultimately wanting to be publicly committed to another person for all my days? Have we come to such a place in our lives that even love is questioned and judged by our peers? We have become so defensive and protective of our ways, that even our rules have rules!
I am but one person and yet I feel compelled to speak out even though I have stated time and again I am not, will not be a poster icon or a leader for a cause or the cause, yet here I am doing sort of just that. Who am I to cast any judgment? I do not claim any type of prophetic insights I can only speak of what I have experienced in my personal life, and in the end we all will answer only for our single actions, will those actions affect others, probably so I proceed with caution and seek divine leadership from the only judge I have, the Lord Jesus Christ…the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I am prayerfully seeking answers for myself and ask not to be a stumbling block to anyone. I am searching and researching biblical documents for clarification and for a clearer message for all the questions that even the most educated Bible scholars throughout history have not been able to come to a definitive answer. As Christians, we are commanded to love others not to tear them down and we cannot choose to follow some rules and ignore others and we need to look to the scriptures with an open heart and a clear mind, this to prepare ourselves to hear God speaking to us. The Bible gives so many examples of individuals who were given great responsibilities that the individuals themselves did not feel adequate to fulfill but they were called by God for that reason, their meekness and humility was the key components in doing God’s will. I often think of Moses and the enormous responsibility that was requested of him. He did not want to be a leader, he was not comfortable speaking to crowds, he simply wanted to live his life and serve God; God simply wanted Moses to serve Him by leading His people. I, too do not want to be a leader and that may not be God’s plan for me but I know that I am in this conversation and the reason is yet to be determined. I am trying to faithfully have my heart and mind open to new ideas and thoughts.

C.A.Robinson
~March 11, 2013
~11:34pm

My body so heavy,
I dare not move a muscle
I feel petrified,
my screams are all I have left
Crying out for the one person that can soothe my fears
She’s no longer there, no rescue today
I wake, it was all a dream…I slowly pull myself from bed,
Only to realize, she’s really gone and I’m alone in the dark.
No matter the age a child becomes,
Mothers’ will always be our refuge.

C.A.Robinson
June 5, 2013
3:52am

Here it is a little over one year later…I still think and miss my mom every single day. I have photos to remind me of precious memories. To be honest, I thought I would not recover from such a loss. I need only to close my eyes and I feel our last embrace, the usually hug & kiss goodbye…not knowing it would be the last. Even typing these words makes me cry because I loved her so much and wanted her to be able to finally slow down and enjoy life. My mom had worked from a very young age, dropping out of high school to apply to beauty college so she could help out at home with her ailing father. She did graduate and started her own salon which she operated for nearly forty years. As long as I can remember my mom worked 2 jobs as well as being a wife and mother, even at the time of her passing she was still working in her salon one or two days a week and working full-time for Wal-Mart Optical plus worked overtime nearly every week. From a worldly view, my family was not rich in the monetary sense but we had what money cannot buy, love! My mother taught me about life, respect and value in everything. My mother came from a large family where these traits were honored. I am so fortunate to have had a life experience that has included great-grandparents, grandparents, several aunts and uncles and countless cousins and second cousins, I have been blessed. For those who knew my mom, many loved her and even to those individuals that may not have embraced her, they respected her for the strong woman she was. My hope is she is in Heaven looking down with the proud “look” that parents have, as well as united with those she loved and had to say goodbye to here in this earthly existence. I thought it was interesting that my thoughts went to the writing below and upon looking at it, it was one year ago today I scribbled the words below while beginning my grief process. If anyone has ever experienced the loss of a loved one, grief is a process and is never the same for everyone…trust in your friends, family and your faith…God knows your pain and wants to comfort you.

The day I never wanted to come
That day has come and gone
The imagined loss and emptiness
Those feelings has settled in
A void that cannot be filled
How does one grieve such a loss
Not with time, family or friends
Such a loss with open wounds
Wounds that are felt more than seen
Pain that blocks all healing
Mourning that feels no relief
Just one more hug or embrace
One more I love you
No one can ease the pains of life
Nothing like a mothers love
Mom, I miss you
I miss you every day.

C.A.Robinson
~July 28, 2012
@ 10:26pm

I am reminded of how precious family really is, often our loved ones are taken for granted that they will always be there for us whenever we need them. Family to me is more than simple genealogy, I have individuals in my life I consider family based upon the special bonds we share. I may not see these individuals often but our friendships have weathered many years of little contact only to be refreshed in a moment with the sound of their voice, a letter, email and even through twitter now. Family means you are loved, supported and forgiven…always. God’s great example of being the ultimate Father, His love, support and forgiveness is open to all. I hope you were able to recognize that loving someone does not mean you will always agree with one another, we are all uniquely designed and our differences should strengthen us not divide us. Have you ever wondered why we are all so different, if God had wanted us to all conform to sameness why create us unique and give us creative abilities. We may not know everything about our journey through this thing called “life” but I am excited to be on the journey with my family & friends and I am assured that God is with me every step I take, He only wants to be invited. I hope you find courage to reach out to family and friends to remind them, they are loved, the blessings you will receive will be amazingly uplifting. I was inspired to write this piece about family while attending a cousins funeral. He was loved by many, but sadly it was too late to tell him in person.

Family, the fragile state of life.
The tests and trials before us
Years come and go, family ties bind
Sickness and sadness reminds us
Busy lives, racing to and fro
Thinking tomorrow time will slow
Tomorrows stay elusive just out of reach
We gather at weddings, wishing
We gather at funerals, remembering
Often asking why and where time has gone
God may seem elusive but He’s not
God is always with us
We only notice when we need Him
Celebrate the daily things
Thank God daily for His presence
Take time for Family in the in-between
Weddings will be happier
Funerals will be less sad
Family ties that bind, strengthened
The grace of God never-ending.

~C.A.Robinson
~April 3, 2011
-4:44pm

Me & My Mom
Yesterday was a day I knew might come but I was unprepared for how the news would unravel before me. I find myself wishing for my mom’s strength and surety. I am asking the obvious question, why it hurts some much to do the right thing when it hurts someone else. Truth often finds its way to the surface no matter how hard one tries to avoid the inevitable. I am saddened with events occurring beyond my control, wishing I could have helped but it was never something I could control, I can love and support and ask God for guidance, love and compassion for the ones that are hurting from no cause of their own. Love the person but not their behavior. Those of us affected by the events of the day have heavy hearts filled with love and support. Why is asking God for help so difficult to do? He’s just waiting for an invitation…Oh God, I know you are fully aware of all things and I am reminded of your words in Hebrews 13:5 “…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

If you read this today and are struggling with things beyond your control, just remember God is only a prayer away; He’s just waiting for an invitation into your life. The writing below was from a few years ago, I found healing and comfort being able to express my fears and was able to recognize the importance of loving myself as others love me. May God’s Blessings be bountiful upon you today!

I look at you and want to pick you up and put my arms around you
Squeeze you and tell you everything is alright, that you’re safe
Caress you hair and sing you a lullaby while gently rocking you
I want to whisper sweet “I love you” and protect you from the dark
You are scared of so many things while trying to be a superhero, too
Slow down; take a deep breath, the world will not stop if you slow down

As a child and during my youth and sometimes still,
I would often wish for someone just like me
Someone to play catch with, someone to talk with
Someone who understood me, who really knew me
As I sit here now, knowing what I now know about myself
I have been wishing and dreaming and pursuing my reflection
The child I saw scared and alone, was me
There are so many things I keep myself from doing because inside I’m that scared child
How can I reach her, how can I heal her…
I just want to pick her up and put my arms around her
Squeeze her and tell her everything is alright, say you’re safe now
I want to caress her hair and sing a lullaby and rock her gently
I want to whisper “you are loved” and stay with her in the dark
I want to tell her being a kid is the best fun ever and I will be her superhero
I want to take her by the hand…walk, run and skip through life with her
-Charlotte A. Robinson
October 7, 2010
2:12pm