I am surrounded by varied opinions as well as my own, and I am now in an indeterminate state of confusion. I have spent a considerate amount of my adult life coming to terms with the person I am and learning and accepting whom I belong to. Now, I find myself searching again with new questions that must be deliberated. What is my truth? Does my truth need justified, be accepted or can I just be me and hope it’s enough? A scholar, I do not profess to be but I have faith and believe I am loved and I matter as a human being, a child of God. Have I been fooled into believing this feeling and nature of my character is so depraved and immoral that I will suffer the bowels of Hell for loving, being in love and ultimately wanting to be publicly committed to another person for all my days? Have we come to such a place in our lives that even love is questioned and judged by our peers? We have become so defensive and protective of our ways, that even our rules have rules!
I am but one person and yet I feel compelled to speak out even though I have stated time and again I am not, will not be a poster icon or a leader for a cause or the cause, yet here I am doing sort of just that. Who am I to cast any judgment? I do not claim any type of prophetic insights I can only speak of what I have experienced in my personal life, and in the end we all will answer only for our single actions, will those actions affect others, probably so I proceed with caution and seek divine leadership from the only judge I have, the Lord Jesus Christ…the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I am prayerfully seeking answers for myself and ask not to be a stumbling block to anyone. I am searching and researching biblical documents for clarification and for a clearer message for all the questions that even the most educated Bible scholars throughout history have not been able to come to a definitive answer. As Christians, we are commanded to love others not to tear them down and we cannot choose to follow some rules and ignore others and we need to look to the scriptures with an open heart and a clear mind, this to prepare ourselves to hear God speaking to us. The Bible gives so many examples of individuals who were given great responsibilities that the individuals themselves did not feel adequate to fulfill but they were called by God for that reason, their meekness and humility was the key components in doing God’s will. I often think of Moses and the enormous responsibility that was requested of him. He did not want to be a leader, he was not comfortable speaking to crowds, he simply wanted to live his life and serve God; God simply wanted Moses to serve Him by leading His people. I, too do not want to be a leader and that may not be God’s plan for me but I know that I am in this conversation and the reason is yet to be determined. I am trying to faithfully have my heart and mind open to new ideas and thoughts.
~March 11, 2013