Today would have been my parents “50th” wedding anniversary. I spent yesterday with my dad, we had a great day together. We both miss mom and though we don’t discuss our missing her often, we know just by looking at each other and see our hearts. I had always dreamed of celebrating “Their” day with a surprise party filled with family. I would still recommend planning things as a good and noble thing to do but don’t wait to say and show your love and appreciation for only special occasions, I hugged and kissed my mom before saying goodbye at the end of our phone conversations and visits. I do wish we could have had more time but the time we did had, I tried always to show and tell her how much I loved her, she was my mom and she will always be within my heart. There’s special bonds with mothers and daughters as well as dads and daughters. I am so fortunate that I am able to still be daddy’s little girl but also his friend. Family unites us, sorrows connects us and God holds us and protects us with His everlasting love.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

C.A.Robinson
July 25, 2013
1:29am

For days now, the winds of this life have left me
Wanting…searching…lost…and forgotten.
Satisfaction is elusive in a very real sense,
My thoughts, they deceive me
What is fact and what is fiction,
They are all scrambled one upon another, what to do…
I have lost my way, a ship at sea with no sail, no captain
Oh God of heaven and earth, lead me back to you
I need what only you can give, forgiveness and acceptance
Only you can love me though undeserving I am…
Your unconditional love will free me from myself
Please, I beg…take these burdens, teach me your ways,
My ways are weak and cause great pain
I ache and yearn for what this world can give
Alas, it does not sustain me and it pleasures in my pain,
Take those empty dreams and broken promises
Fill me with Your love, compassion and promises
For they will never fail, will never be withered by time
They will endure generation after generation with no end.
Oh God, clothe me with your love
Use me to send and spread your message to others
Others like me, longing for real joy, true happiness and
Limitless abounding love for always.

C.A.Robinson
July 05, 2013
11:28pm

Oh God, teach me how to let go
I feel consumed, my senses deny me
I know I must let go…what is this fear
As the intensity to let go rises
A battle erupts, forces deny one another
Each wanting to win as if this is a game
It is painful no matter if it goes swiftly or faintly
I am experiencing rapid pulse and pounding chest
My breath now more of a pant in anticipation of action
Oh God, why do I deny myself joy to stay enslaved
The control, I alone allow…is so very wrong
My continued grip serves to weaken me
Letting go should be easy, what lesson must I learn
Teach me, show me freedom from release
Forgiveness, that would be key
Not for her, that was done so long ago
Me, I must forgive myself and allow me to let her go
She’s been gone a long time already
Not once, turning to look back, because I hoped she would
The worst has already happened, the day she left me
My misery convinced me, holding on was my only option
Lies, all lies…the past cannot be changed its gone
The future is always a day away…
All I really have is today and I no longer want to hold on
I want to live with both arms free to live and love
I want sunshine from the Son, I desire forgiveness
Breathe in, breathe out … the love of God restores my soul

C.A.Robinson
July 24, 2013
1:30am

As I am sure you noticed, I like to keep track of the time and date of all the things I write. It quickly takes me back in time and I just reminisce. The piece below was the first thing I remember writing, I remember with great clarity, the events that were consuming me at that time. Reading it now, years of growing, maturing and just living provide insight and appreciation that I did not have at the time. Some of the secrets I swore to keep are still locked away but for different reasons today. There’s a valuable piece of wisdom I have gained through the years, life is usually never as bad as it seems. As I reflect on my life, it is now clearly evident God was and continues to be at work in my life. My ability to formulate words that describe my thoughts can only be divine. It’s not for accolades and recognition that I write, it has a healing effect on me in that, the longer the thoughts are trapped within me I ache for a release from my feelings and thoughts. God continues to bless me with the ability to write and reflect on the events happening in my life. I will be posting things that happened decades ago and current activities occurring in my life, I am
honored to share them with you. As I mentioned in my “About me…” I hope you find words and phrases to resonate with and possibly see that we are never as alone as we may think. I wish you love, peace and comfort in all you do!

Feeling Life

What is this pain and emptiness I feel?
Why is my life – all of a sudden?
I lay awake at night – feeling.
During the day – this ache I feel.
Nothing seems to work for me except – this feeling.
I ask myself – What did I do? What didn’t I do?
Can I stop – this feeling?
Can I control – this feeling?
I’m on the edge – the reality of life.
It hurts to think – but I can’t seem to control my thoughts.
If possible to feel hurt and happiness together –
Then, that’s what I feel.
For even though my thoughts hurt –
It’s the only place I see true happiness.
In my thoughts – all my dreams come true.
Dreams – no one knows.
No one to tell –
I cannot bear to have anyone else see or feel this pain I feel.
I am not sorry for this pain – nor do I want sympathy.
All I really want is for someone to listen – to understand.
But – there’s no one.
I try to be strong – I am strong.
But – how long?
Forever – I must! Too much depends on me.
I made a promise to be strong.
To this promise – I will be true.
Till forever is gone – true I will be.
You see – the pain, it isn’t always there.
The pain isn’t always bad.
The painful feelings – –
They remind me of the happiness I once knew.
I can only hope this happiness will return – someday.
If not –
Then, I’m thankful for the memories I have.
I’ll be thankful for every tear I cry –
For they are not tears of sorrow –
But, tears of thanksgiving for possessing the art of feeling.
Not everyone is blessed with such a gift.
So – although I have pain and emptiness.
My life – it will go one.
Perhaps as life takes me down its path –
I will find more understanding of this feeling.
This feeling – it’s difficult to explain and even more to describe.
What can cause both hurt and happiness – ?
The answer – – – different for all of us.
For me, this feeling is – – – LOVE.
And, I will never regret it as long as I live.
Many may say they know what love is.
But until you feel it.
One cannot appreciate its depth.
If not for love –
Life would hold no purpose.
The power of love – in explainable.
For me, it is ever present in my heart, mind and soul.
It takes over your being and brings meaning and purpose to life itself.
It’s never selfish –
And, grows deeper day by day.
You see – it’s not just a feeling –
It’s what life is all about.
So, if love finds you but once in your lifetime –
Then, you are truly blessed.
Because, once you’ve got that feeling it never goes away.

~C.A.Robinson
November 1988

Walls, high and strong
As I see and feel the attempts to breach
An illness covers me
Fight and flight disappear
I am alone in this empty place
Cold and dark, damp and dreary
My possessions hold no value to me
My heart is heavy, weighed with everything
Ones heart can easily overthrow the brain
Where is my help, whom can I trust
This horrible pain, it invades my slumber
Pain, disappointment and strife
They steal, rob and plunder all that is good
Oh God, where is my refugee
My screams do not relieve my struggles
Sunshine or dark of night, it’s all the same
Pride is my leader, I cower under its control
Oh God, how to overcome this I pray
I am all tangled and tied up, save me I beg
Tiredness and shame are my clothing
Oh God of Isaac and Jacob…
Renew your spirit within me
Surround me with your arms
Hold me tight and never let go
Is it so foolish to want to be cradled, held and protected
I’m tired, scared, lonely and alone.

C.A.Robinson
3:45pm
July 19, 2013

I am dedicating my first post to the individuals that have encouraged me to step out in faith and share my words with a larger audience. I find comfort in words and they seem to tell a story. The past few years have been emotionally challenging to me and often the words come faster than I can write or type them. I used to think that my writings were only meaningful to me but I have been so blessed with people and friends in my life that can not only see me in my writings but they too have experienced comfort and meaning in my words. One of the greatest moments in my life was when a friend ask to borrow my words for a similar situation in hers. Oh my, what a huge honor that was for me. To be able to share the gift that God has so freely given to me with someone so dear to me, what an amazing feeling. I look forward to sharing with you and look forward to hear your comments and most importantly, I pray that the words I share can offer insights and comfort to you. My muse for writing comes from every aspect of my life. My faith is central to my being and my prayer is that not only do I wish to share my thoughts with you, but more importantly the love of God in everything. I would like mention everyone by name that has pushed, prodded and encouraged me to do this but the list is long…please know I love and appreciate all of you. I would like to share words about the one person I could always count on, my mom…I miss you every single day!

In This Very Place

Your spirit is woven into the fabric of this very place
Every corner, every shelf reveals remnants of your special touch
Christmas gifts of long ago still adorn the walls of this sacred place
Family photos of yesteryear all with a story to tell
If only this were but a childish game running and laughing, all covered with love
I hear you in the chimes letting me know you’re near
Hummingbirds with their ease of flight…shows me the beauty and complexity of this life
As I hear the tick tock of the clocks, I can hear your laughter in the distance
Remembering the comfort and strength in your warm embrace,
Remembering your sacrifices in all you did, making life sweeter
Everything has changed, nothing feels the same, and hard as I try reality continues knocking at my door
Go away, go away…Can’t you see you’re not welcome in this place.
This was hers, this was ours…wishes and dreams unfulfilled, it’s all left undone
Questions linger, the obvious one of why…it’s beyond our understanding.
Has she traveled to all the places she once dreamed of, was there a welcoming of those who had gone before?
No pain…walking and running freely, perhaps even flying or floating about.
Today as I looked in the sky, filled with billowing white clouds I paused to wonder…
Thinking to myself, and saying…can she see me, is she proud of me,
Am I doing and being the best person I can be? When will I see her again?
Mom, I miss you so very much and I love you more than I was ever able to show.
Until we meet again, you will always be in my heart, my soul…the very existence of who I am, always and forever…your daughter.

~C.A.Robinson
September 19, 2011
1:23am