I’ve been thinking a lot today of events in my life and how they have shaped and molded my life. We all have our share of good and let’s say, difficult times. I’ve learned that true happiness can only be appreciated when you’ve experienced maddening sadness, companionship is sweeter when you’ve tasted loneliness. In the past decade, I found love when I wasn’t looking for it, lost love without seeing it coming and my mom was taken to Heaven. Through all this I found myself…I’m learning to love myself as I love others. A lot of the time I feel very much like a lost little girl wanting her mom to find her, grab her and hold her tight. I know that’s not going to happen! I guess I want to be someone to somebody, but first I need to be someone to myself. I know that God has a plan for me…

It’s About Forgiveness

I have no right to be angry
But I am…

Life comes with no guarantees
It can consume us, if we allow it..

Self loathing and pity we give freely
Responsibility we hide in corners.

Out of sight, out of mind
Hoping it will be lost forever

Oh but it returns full of vigor
At the height of our pride

Making us humble and weak
Truth sometimes frees us

Truth often hurts before freeing us
No more burden to bare alone

Forgiveness, sweet as a spring rain
Refreshing and allows growth within

I want to dance in the rain
I want forgiveness
It must start with me…

~C.A.Robinson
August 25, 2012
2:16pm

Today was my birthday, I have always loved my birthday. To have one special day just for yourself! I had a good day, I woke to birthday text messages, I worked for a friend, a friend took me to lunch, a friend gave me cupcakes, a friend gave me several gifts, I was serenaded twice and received numerous birthday hugs and greeting plus birthday cards! I am truly blessed not because of gifts and cards…I am loved by these individuals and they made me feel extra special today! I am very blessed! This feeling can be shared and experienced on a daily basis, God wants to shower each of us with his everlasting love each and every day…ask Him to be a part of your day and exciting things will surround you! I am not promising that you will never experience difficult times but God does promise to always be with us, you only need to ask and invite Him on your daily journey through this world.

~C.A.Robinson
July 30, 2013
10:41pm

I am surrounded by varied opinions as well as my own, and I am now in an indeterminate state of confusion. I have spent a considerate amount of my adult life coming to terms with the person I am and learning and accepting whom I belong to. Now, I find myself searching again with new questions that must be deliberated. What is my truth? Does my truth need justified, be accepted or can I just be me and hope it’s enough? A scholar, I do not profess to be but I have faith and believe I am loved and I matter as a human being, a child of God. Have I been fooled into believing this feeling and nature of my character is so depraved and immoral that I will suffer the bowels of Hell for loving, being in love and ultimately wanting to be publicly committed to another person for all my days? Have we come to such a place in our lives that even love is questioned and judged by our peers? We have become so defensive and protective of our ways, that even our rules have rules!
I am but one person and yet I feel compelled to speak out even though I have stated time and again I am not, will not be a poster icon or a leader for a cause or the cause, yet here I am doing sort of just that. Who am I to cast any judgment? I do not claim any type of prophetic insights I can only speak of what I have experienced in my personal life, and in the end we all will answer only for our single actions, will those actions affect others, probably so I proceed with caution and seek divine leadership from the only judge I have, the Lord Jesus Christ…the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I am prayerfully seeking answers for myself and ask not to be a stumbling block to anyone. I am searching and researching biblical documents for clarification and for a clearer message for all the questions that even the most educated Bible scholars throughout history have not been able to come to a definitive answer. As Christians, we are commanded to love others not to tear them down and we cannot choose to follow some rules and ignore others and we need to look to the scriptures with an open heart and a clear mind, this to prepare ourselves to hear God speaking to us. The Bible gives so many examples of individuals who were given great responsibilities that the individuals themselves did not feel adequate to fulfill but they were called by God for that reason, their meekness and humility was the key components in doing God’s will. I often think of Moses and the enormous responsibility that was requested of him. He did not want to be a leader, he was not comfortable speaking to crowds, he simply wanted to live his life and serve God; God simply wanted Moses to serve Him by leading His people. I, too do not want to be a leader and that may not be God’s plan for me but I know that I am in this conversation and the reason is yet to be determined. I am trying to faithfully have my heart and mind open to new ideas and thoughts.

C.A.Robinson
~March 11, 2013
~11:34pm

My body so heavy,
I dare not move a muscle
I feel petrified,
my screams are all I have left
Crying out for the one person that can soothe my fears
She’s no longer there, no rescue today
I wake, it was all a dream…I slowly pull myself from bed,
Only to realize, she’s really gone and I’m alone in the dark.
No matter the age a child becomes,
Mothers’ will always be our refuge.

C.A.Robinson
June 5, 2013
3:52am

Here it is a little over one year later…I still think and miss my mom every single day. I have photos to remind me of precious memories. To be honest, I thought I would not recover from such a loss. I need only to close my eyes and I feel our last embrace, the usually hug & kiss goodbye…not knowing it would be the last. Even typing these words makes me cry because I loved her so much and wanted her to be able to finally slow down and enjoy life. My mom had worked from a very young age, dropping out of high school to apply to beauty college so she could help out at home with her ailing father. She did graduate and started her own salon which she operated for nearly forty years. As long as I can remember my mom worked 2 jobs as well as being a wife and mother, even at the time of her passing she was still working in her salon one or two days a week and working full-time for Wal-Mart Optical plus worked overtime nearly every week. From a worldly view, my family was not rich in the monetary sense but we had what money cannot buy, love! My mother taught me about life, respect and value in everything. My mother came from a large family where these traits were honored. I am so fortunate to have had a life experience that has included great-grandparents, grandparents, several aunts and uncles and countless cousins and second cousins, I have been blessed. For those who knew my mom, many loved her and even to those individuals that may not have embraced her, they respected her for the strong woman she was. My hope is she is in Heaven looking down with the proud “look” that parents have, as well as united with those she loved and had to say goodbye to here in this earthly existence. I thought it was interesting that my thoughts went to the writing below and upon looking at it, it was one year ago today I scribbled the words below while beginning my grief process. If anyone has ever experienced the loss of a loved one, grief is a process and is never the same for everyone…trust in your friends, family and your faith…God knows your pain and wants to comfort you.

The day I never wanted to come
That day has come and gone
The imagined loss and emptiness
Those feelings has settled in
A void that cannot be filled
How does one grieve such a loss
Not with time, family or friends
Such a loss with open wounds
Wounds that are felt more than seen
Pain that blocks all healing
Mourning that feels no relief
Just one more hug or embrace
One more I love you
No one can ease the pains of life
Nothing like a mothers love
Mom, I miss you
I miss you every day.

C.A.Robinson
~July 28, 2012
@ 10:26pm

I am reminded of how precious family really is, often our loved ones are taken for granted that they will always be there for us whenever we need them. Family to me is more than simple genealogy, I have individuals in my life I consider family based upon the special bonds we share. I may not see these individuals often but our friendships have weathered many years of little contact only to be refreshed in a moment with the sound of their voice, a letter, email and even through twitter now. Family means you are loved, supported and forgiven…always. God’s great example of being the ultimate Father, His love, support and forgiveness is open to all. I hope you were able to recognize that loving someone does not mean you will always agree with one another, we are all uniquely designed and our differences should strengthen us not divide us. Have you ever wondered why we are all so different, if God had wanted us to all conform to sameness why create us unique and give us creative abilities. We may not know everything about our journey through this thing called “life” but I am excited to be on the journey with my family & friends and I am assured that God is with me every step I take, He only wants to be invited. I hope you find courage to reach out to family and friends to remind them, they are loved, the blessings you will receive will be amazingly uplifting. I was inspired to write this piece about family while attending a cousins funeral. He was loved by many, but sadly it was too late to tell him in person.

Family, the fragile state of life.
The tests and trials before us
Years come and go, family ties bind
Sickness and sadness reminds us
Busy lives, racing to and fro
Thinking tomorrow time will slow
Tomorrows stay elusive just out of reach
We gather at weddings, wishing
We gather at funerals, remembering
Often asking why and where time has gone
God may seem elusive but He’s not
God is always with us
We only notice when we need Him
Celebrate the daily things
Thank God daily for His presence
Take time for Family in the in-between
Weddings will be happier
Funerals will be less sad
Family ties that bind, strengthened
The grace of God never-ending.

~C.A.Robinson
~April 3, 2011
-4:44pm

Me & My Mom
Yesterday was a day I knew might come but I was unprepared for how the news would unravel before me. I find myself wishing for my mom’s strength and surety. I am asking the obvious question, why it hurts some much to do the right thing when it hurts someone else. Truth often finds its way to the surface no matter how hard one tries to avoid the inevitable. I am saddened with events occurring beyond my control, wishing I could have helped but it was never something I could control, I can love and support and ask God for guidance, love and compassion for the ones that are hurting from no cause of their own. Love the person but not their behavior. Those of us affected by the events of the day have heavy hearts filled with love and support. Why is asking God for help so difficult to do? He’s just waiting for an invitation…Oh God, I know you are fully aware of all things and I am reminded of your words in Hebrews 13:5 “…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

If you read this today and are struggling with things beyond your control, just remember God is only a prayer away; He’s just waiting for an invitation into your life. The writing below was from a few years ago, I found healing and comfort being able to express my fears and was able to recognize the importance of loving myself as others love me. May God’s Blessings be bountiful upon you today!

I look at you and want to pick you up and put my arms around you
Squeeze you and tell you everything is alright, that you’re safe
Caress you hair and sing you a lullaby while gently rocking you
I want to whisper sweet “I love you” and protect you from the dark
You are scared of so many things while trying to be a superhero, too
Slow down; take a deep breath, the world will not stop if you slow down

As a child and during my youth and sometimes still,
I would often wish for someone just like me
Someone to play catch with, someone to talk with
Someone who understood me, who really knew me
As I sit here now, knowing what I now know about myself
I have been wishing and dreaming and pursuing my reflection
The child I saw scared and alone, was me
There are so many things I keep myself from doing because inside I’m that scared child
How can I reach her, how can I heal her…
I just want to pick her up and put my arms around her
Squeeze her and tell her everything is alright, say you’re safe now
I want to caress her hair and sing a lullaby and rock her gently
I want to whisper “you are loved” and stay with her in the dark
I want to tell her being a kid is the best fun ever and I will be her superhero
I want to take her by the hand…walk, run and skip through life with her
-Charlotte A. Robinson
October 7, 2010
2:12pm

Today would have been my parents “50th” wedding anniversary. I spent yesterday with my dad, we had a great day together. We both miss mom and though we don’t discuss our missing her often, we know just by looking at each other and see our hearts. I had always dreamed of celebrating “Their” day with a surprise party filled with family. I would still recommend planning things as a good and noble thing to do but don’t wait to say and show your love and appreciation for only special occasions, I hugged and kissed my mom before saying goodbye at the end of our phone conversations and visits. I do wish we could have had more time but the time we did had, I tried always to show and tell her how much I loved her, she was my mom and she will always be within my heart. There’s special bonds with mothers and daughters as well as dads and daughters. I am so fortunate that I am able to still be daddy’s little girl but also his friend. Family unites us, sorrows connects us and God holds us and protects us with His everlasting love.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

C.A.Robinson
July 25, 2013
1:29am

For days now, the winds of this life have left me
Wanting…searching…lost…and forgotten.
Satisfaction is elusive in a very real sense,
My thoughts, they deceive me
What is fact and what is fiction,
They are all scrambled one upon another, what to do…
I have lost my way, a ship at sea with no sail, no captain
Oh God of heaven and earth, lead me back to you
I need what only you can give, forgiveness and acceptance
Only you can love me though undeserving I am…
Your unconditional love will free me from myself
Please, I beg…take these burdens, teach me your ways,
My ways are weak and cause great pain
I ache and yearn for what this world can give
Alas, it does not sustain me and it pleasures in my pain,
Take those empty dreams and broken promises
Fill me with Your love, compassion and promises
For they will never fail, will never be withered by time
They will endure generation after generation with no end.
Oh God, clothe me with your love
Use me to send and spread your message to others
Others like me, longing for real joy, true happiness and
Limitless abounding love for always.

C.A.Robinson
July 05, 2013
11:28pm

Oh God, teach me how to let go
I feel consumed, my senses deny me
I know I must let go…what is this fear
As the intensity to let go rises
A battle erupts, forces deny one another
Each wanting to win as if this is a game
It is painful no matter if it goes swiftly or faintly
I am experiencing rapid pulse and pounding chest
My breath now more of a pant in anticipation of action
Oh God, why do I deny myself joy to stay enslaved
The control, I alone allow…is so very wrong
My continued grip serves to weaken me
Letting go should be easy, what lesson must I learn
Teach me, show me freedom from release
Forgiveness, that would be key
Not for her, that was done so long ago
Me, I must forgive myself and allow me to let her go
She’s been gone a long time already
Not once, turning to look back, because I hoped she would
The worst has already happened, the day she left me
My misery convinced me, holding on was my only option
Lies, all lies…the past cannot be changed its gone
The future is always a day away…
All I really have is today and I no longer want to hold on
I want to live with both arms free to live and love
I want sunshine from the Son, I desire forgiveness
Breathe in, breathe out … the love of God restores my soul

C.A.Robinson
July 24, 2013
1:30am