The past few days have forced me to look at myself and my actions as they affect others around me. I was just reminded that my words and actions need to represent the person I say that I am and as a Christian I am representing God. If my actions portray a person that enjoys tearing others down and spread stories and participate in gossip, I am not sharing the love of God and my character is not worthy. Whether we are willing to admit this truth or not, we all have people in our lives that “push” our buttons. I am sitting here telling myself I can either be part of the solution or the problem. Of course, none of us would choose “problem” but that is exactly where I am. It’s true what they say, “actions speak louder than words.” I want my actions to reflect goodness and Godliness. I recently started talking with God in the mornings before my day gets started as opposed to the end of my day. What I have noticed for me is, I am more aware and in sync with God when I ask Him to walk through the day with me. Oh, I still make many mistakes but I am now quicker to recognize my behaviors and change them more quickly. Then, at the end of my day I spend time with God again or continue talking with Him. When I pause and look back on my day, I can see the things I can do better and ask God for the guidance and support to be the person He created me to be. We are all born sinful but the choices we make daily can either reflect the image of a sinner or be a sinful person reflecting the image of God’s grace, love and forgiveness for our sin.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge him,
And he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Weight of Nothingness
With a heavy heart these words flow
Seeing them in black and white
To the surface these things rise up

It’s not complaints that drive me to feelings of betrayal,
Rather the expectations and actions of others
Words without action are just empty words

Broken promises, empty words
Alternative motives, self-serving and truth hides
Friendship should be to and fro, not just to

Suspicious of everything and everyone,
Does it always have to hurt?
Why is the heart so easily broken?
The vital organ to make sense of it all

The peace and serenity of never letting them in,
If they never enter they cannot bring agony to life
Solidarity to oneself, pride and vanity no place to go

Everyone deserves at least one that helps and not hurts,
When and where is this elusive person, the hero…my hero?
Losing something that never was, true but I grieve

Beaten down and tired of no return
Escape the voices, pain chases
Caught every single time, then repeat
-C.A.Robinson
August 30, 2012
1:06am

I attended a class/workshop yesterday entitled, “Pursuing My Unique Purpose.” I am eager to define my purpose, I wrote “Heart and Soul,” a few months ago, I have been searching for the meaning and purpose of my life for some time now. I am acutely aware that God is calling me to serve in some capacity for His glory. It was reassuring to meet other individuals in the class/ workshop who are also searching. How amazing that we are all uniquely created by God and that He has a reason and purpose for each of us and that He loves us for the individuals we are and that we were hand crafted for His glory. I am discovering that we all have specific spiritual gifts that God gave us and with these gifts we connect with one another to form a community of faith to support each other and to spread the Good News of Jesus and His saving grace to all people. Thank you for sharing this journey with me and my these words encourage and inspire you to seek your uniqueness!

Cold and scared where will I find refuge
Bleeding within myself, beaten, battered and bruised
My chest aches with the weight of the world upon me
Will I see the Light, will I ever feel again
My tears offer no release, I’m chained twisted and torn
I want to scream but who would hear my cries
God are you there, I need to know am I worthy
I’ve never been this lost before, where is home
I feel so full of emptiness, why do I even have a heart
My heart is a battlefield colored with darkness
Will my sorrow continue, what more will fall or go away
I am the infant that nothing will soothe my cries
I am the tree on a lonely plain, no shelter no leaves
I’m a single blade of grass on a concrete yard
How did I get here , who am I, why does it matter
When did I know, what purpose do I have
Talk to me, I am searching, is that my purpose
Crawling and scraping where am I to go
Can I be true to you and to me, simultaneously
Show me the way home…

~C.A.Robinson
March 26, 2013
2:53am

Today, as I was reading the writing below, I realized that my feelings are vastly different today compared to how I felt the day I wrote them down. If we allow ourselves to concentrate on negativity a sense of emptiness will consumes us. There are days I still feel stretched in so many different directions. Often I find myself overwhelmed by obligations, obligations that I have assigned to myself. I become anxious and stressed over things that are not primarily or remotely mine, you see I’m a “fixer” I want to help and I do it freely but recently it seems that I’ve backed myself into a corner and I’m scared that by not being completely honest to myself or the situations, I disappoint myself and enable others to not take responsibility. God has blessed me so abundantly, I may not be rich in the worldly sense but I have riches that no amount of money could buy, all found in my relationships. The older I get the less material things I require. Living simplistically has freed me to invest in myself, my relationship with God, my church, my friends and my family. I am learning to fill my emptiness with deeper and more meaningful relationships and less worldly possessions. Daily, I am talking with and asking God to journey with me through my day instead of calling out for Him when I am in need. Blessings!

The emptiness rising to heights of deprivation
Days are filled with the darkest of starless night skies
Stretched, pulled in each direction up, down, side to side
Aching for stillness, frightened of the quiet loneliness
Moving, running, sprinting keeping up the pace
Hoping, wishing and fearing the past never catches up
Holding on, tightly gripping not wanting to set it free
Letting go of or setting free the emptiness
Terrified of the nothingness that lies beyond the empty
Knowledge has no purpose in affairs of the heart
Whomever said that love is blind truly experienced it
One can never appreciate love without experiencing loss
True understanding of either hinges one upon the other

Heart, mind and soul in a constant state of conflict
Knowing, doing, trusting, believing, listening and asking
Simple, direct, freedom from all my fears
Asking is so very difficult, forces within defy me
I am weak, strength is but a prayer away

~C.A.Robinson
April 3, 2013
2:24am

I have been reading through my writings today and it’s been a good experience of reminiscing. I realized that as long as I keep reliving my past I cannot move forward. I have great memories and a few sad ones, the difference reading them today is …I am being more honest with myself and trusting in God as I am traveling along this path called life. God has blessed me with extraordinary people in my life, family, friends old and new ones. I know that I am loved and I love each of person and friend in my life because they have helped shape me into the woman I am today. My mom taught me many valuable life lessons, and in some cases I am still trying to master them but I know she is watching over me and is smiling. Our life experiences help to mold us into the leaders of today. I hope that reading my life experiences brings you a sense of connectedness with others in your life. I used to become very sad when reading my writings and re-reading the one below reminded me of the amazing feeling I get when I hear whispers “i love you” at hello’s and goodbye’s. Thank you! Remind someone today that they are loved!

When did I become old,
I don’t know the hour or the day
When did carefree become routines
When did I grow cold and settled
When did I lose you
I still have you in my thoughts
I got your picture but not you
I close my eyes, I feel your hugs
I hear your voice…
I miss hugs goodbye and whispers of “i love you”
I miss hugs hello and whispers of “i love you”
Two simple things that made me feel complete even invincible
I thought there’s nothing I couldn’t do because of those two things
Loneliness is my kryptonite
Darkness my weakness
I want the sunlight back
I need only two simple things
Hugs for hello and goodbye
Whispers of “i love you” every morning and every night.

~C.A.Robinson
March 23, 2011
7:11pm

As I read my devotional today, I was reminded that I need to stop doing and start listening for God’s instructions for me. For those of you that know me, you can testify that I am a bit possessive and controlling when it comes to things like activities/jobs/responsibilities and that I takes things very personal and literal. I know that I can be over-critical due to me being obsessive and compulsive about how things are completed. I crave order and structure in most things I do. The scripture reading was Ephesians 5:17 “Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” (NLT) I am going to practice listening to God and what His will is for me, He knows what is best for me and He wants to be included on our daily decisions as well as the really big ones. So, today I am asking God to walk with me through my day and I am going to listen for clarity as they relate to situations occurring in my life at the moment. Below is the devotional I read for today, I hope you find hope, clarity and peace in all you do today! Thank you my friends for your support and prayers!

Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. (NLT) ( Ephesians 5:17 ) When we find ourselves in difficult situations, it’s always comforting that we can turn to God for His guidance. But sometimes, we turn to Him casually, almost an afterthought. In times when we truly seek out His plan for our lives and put great thought into it, clarity comes. It’s a process where God teaches us important lessons. If you are struggling and looking for what the Lord wants you to do, put some thought into God’s promises and He will be there with you…Download this app to get your daily devotions: http://jctrois.com

I want to share another verse that a dear friend shared with me yesterday. I hope you find it as comforting as I did.

Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path straight.”
Proverbs 3.5-6

Here it is from The Message translation.
Proverbs 3:5
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God ‘s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.”

Regarding the previous post, I may not like the truths and facts of my life BUT, without them I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced all of the “not to pleasant” events in my life. To the person I loved and sacrificed for…I’d do it all again! My heart is forever changed because of you…I loved you more than I ever thought or imagined possible! I will always love you and I will always be your friend! To my high school friend, I know that you have your reasons that caused you to stop our conversations, when you are ready I’ll be here for you. I am the person I am because of all the good and bad things that have happened in my life. This blog is a result of those events and encouragement from friends to share my thoughts to a broader audience. Often, I think (selfishly) I am the only person to experience loss…the reality, as humans and creatures of habits…we all experience things sometime the same or in similar ways, God gave me the ability to write my feelings and I pray that through His gift others might find answers or commonalities to seek healing and guidance, not from me but from God, our Heavenly Father who loves us all. My friends, I love you all and each of you has touched my life in very profound ways! Peace ❤

As humans we are all born into a sinful nature. With that being said, I am struggling today, hating the facts and truths of my life like…that the person I loved with every part of my being no longer loved me or to have a high school friend show up in my life when I truly needed a friend to just one day decide she no longer wants to talk to me or give me a reason why and to no longer have my mom here with me and all those that loved her…this conditional world is cruel and full of disappointment and I guess most days I accept that and know that this is not my permanent home but today I’m weak, lonely, tired and angry wanting to act upon my anger but knowing that’s not the answer I’m searching for an outlet for this pain I carry inside me. I know God is there and maybe it makes me even weaker thinking I need more. I try so very hard to be all the things that my mom was to me and my family but I fail, I am not strong enough plus, I know that’s not really my role but I just want to love, be loved and help wherever I can, like my mom did. My point, and there is one…sometimes we think we have to hide our “true” self from everyone, I have hidden behind too many things in my life and I’m saying its ok to have days where everything feels wrong and to experience anger, strife, pain and loneliness, God does want us to go to Him but He also gave us family and friends to help lighten our load by sharing and encouraging one another…through tears, laughter, silence, hugging and most definitely prayer. I needed to be reminded of the message I wrote earlier stating that God never promised easy, He promised to always be with us.

My Peace I give you,
My Peace I leave with you!

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

I’ve been thinking a lot today of events in my life and how they have shaped and molded my life. We all have our share of good and let’s say, difficult times. I’ve learned that true happiness can only be appreciated when you’ve experienced maddening sadness, companionship is sweeter when you’ve tasted loneliness. In the past decade, I found love when I wasn’t looking for it, lost love without seeing it coming and my mom was taken to Heaven. Through all this I found myself…I’m learning to love myself as I love others. A lot of the time I feel very much like a lost little girl wanting her mom to find her, grab her and hold her tight. I know that’s not going to happen! I guess I want to be someone to somebody, but first I need to be someone to myself. I know that God has a plan for me…

It’s About Forgiveness

I have no right to be angry
But I am…

Life comes with no guarantees
It can consume us, if we allow it..

Self loathing and pity we give freely
Responsibility we hide in corners.

Out of sight, out of mind
Hoping it will be lost forever

Oh but it returns full of vigor
At the height of our pride

Making us humble and weak
Truth sometimes frees us

Truth often hurts before freeing us
No more burden to bare alone

Forgiveness, sweet as a spring rain
Refreshing and allows growth within

I want to dance in the rain
I want forgiveness
It must start with me…

~C.A.Robinson
August 25, 2012
2:16pm

Today was my birthday, I have always loved my birthday. To have one special day just for yourself! I had a good day, I woke to birthday text messages, I worked for a friend, a friend took me to lunch, a friend gave me cupcakes, a friend gave me several gifts, I was serenaded twice and received numerous birthday hugs and greeting plus birthday cards! I am truly blessed not because of gifts and cards…I am loved by these individuals and they made me feel extra special today! I am very blessed! This feeling can be shared and experienced on a daily basis, God wants to shower each of us with his everlasting love each and every day…ask Him to be a part of your day and exciting things will surround you! I am not promising that you will never experience difficult times but God does promise to always be with us, you only need to ask and invite Him on your daily journey through this world.

~C.A.Robinson
July 30, 2013
10:41pm

I am surrounded by varied opinions as well as my own, and I am now in an indeterminate state of confusion. I have spent a considerate amount of my adult life coming to terms with the person I am and learning and accepting whom I belong to. Now, I find myself searching again with new questions that must be deliberated. What is my truth? Does my truth need justified, be accepted or can I just be me and hope it’s enough? A scholar, I do not profess to be but I have faith and believe I am loved and I matter as a human being, a child of God. Have I been fooled into believing this feeling and nature of my character is so depraved and immoral that I will suffer the bowels of Hell for loving, being in love and ultimately wanting to be publicly committed to another person for all my days? Have we come to such a place in our lives that even love is questioned and judged by our peers? We have become so defensive and protective of our ways, that even our rules have rules!
I am but one person and yet I feel compelled to speak out even though I have stated time and again I am not, will not be a poster icon or a leader for a cause or the cause, yet here I am doing sort of just that. Who am I to cast any judgment? I do not claim any type of prophetic insights I can only speak of what I have experienced in my personal life, and in the end we all will answer only for our single actions, will those actions affect others, probably so I proceed with caution and seek divine leadership from the only judge I have, the Lord Jesus Christ…the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I am prayerfully seeking answers for myself and ask not to be a stumbling block to anyone. I am searching and researching biblical documents for clarification and for a clearer message for all the questions that even the most educated Bible scholars throughout history have not been able to come to a definitive answer. As Christians, we are commanded to love others not to tear them down and we cannot choose to follow some rules and ignore others and we need to look to the scriptures with an open heart and a clear mind, this to prepare ourselves to hear God speaking to us. The Bible gives so many examples of individuals who were given great responsibilities that the individuals themselves did not feel adequate to fulfill but they were called by God for that reason, their meekness and humility was the key components in doing God’s will. I often think of Moses and the enormous responsibility that was requested of him. He did not want to be a leader, he was not comfortable speaking to crowds, he simply wanted to live his life and serve God; God simply wanted Moses to serve Him by leading His people. I, too do not want to be a leader and that may not be God’s plan for me but I know that I am in this conversation and the reason is yet to be determined. I am trying to faithfully have my heart and mind open to new ideas and thoughts.

C.A.Robinson
~March 11, 2013
~11:34pm