My body so heavy,
I dare not move a muscle
I feel petrified,
my screams are all I have left
Crying out for the one person that can soothe my fears
She’s no longer there, no rescue today
I wake, it was all a dream…I slowly pull myself from bed,
Only to realize, she’s really gone and I’m alone in the dark.
No matter the age a child becomes,
Mothers’ will always be our refuge.

C.A.Robinson
June 5, 2013
3:52am

Here it is a little over one year later…I still think and miss my mom every single day. I have photos to remind me of precious memories. To be honest, I thought I would not recover from such a loss. I need only to close my eyes and I feel our last embrace, the usually hug & kiss goodbye…not knowing it would be the last. Even typing these words makes me cry because I loved her so much and wanted her to be able to finally slow down and enjoy life. My mom had worked from a very young age, dropping out of high school to apply to beauty college so she could help out at home with her ailing father. She did graduate and started her own salon which she operated for nearly forty years. As long as I can remember my mom worked 2 jobs as well as being a wife and mother, even at the time of her passing she was still working in her salon one or two days a week and working full-time for Wal-Mart Optical plus worked overtime nearly every week. From a worldly view, my family was not rich in the monetary sense but we had what money cannot buy, love! My mother taught me about life, respect and value in everything. My mother came from a large family where these traits were honored. I am so fortunate to have had a life experience that has included great-grandparents, grandparents, several aunts and uncles and countless cousins and second cousins, I have been blessed. For those who knew my mom, many loved her and even to those individuals that may not have embraced her, they respected her for the strong woman she was. My hope is she is in Heaven looking down with the proud “look” that parents have, as well as united with those she loved and had to say goodbye to here in this earthly existence. I thought it was interesting that my thoughts went to the writing below and upon looking at it, it was one year ago today I scribbled the words below while beginning my grief process. If anyone has ever experienced the loss of a loved one, grief is a process and is never the same for everyone…trust in your friends, family and your faith…God knows your pain and wants to comfort you.

The day I never wanted to come
That day has come and gone
The imagined loss and emptiness
Those feelings has settled in
A void that cannot be filled
How does one grieve such a loss
Not with time, family or friends
Such a loss with open wounds
Wounds that are felt more than seen
Pain that blocks all healing
Mourning that feels no relief
Just one more hug or embrace
One more I love you
No one can ease the pains of life
Nothing like a mothers love
Mom, I miss you
I miss you every day.

C.A.Robinson
~July 28, 2012
@ 10:26pm

I am reminded of how precious family really is, often our loved ones are taken for granted that they will always be there for us whenever we need them. Family to me is more than simple genealogy, I have individuals in my life I consider family based upon the special bonds we share. I may not see these individuals often but our friendships have weathered many years of little contact only to be refreshed in a moment with the sound of their voice, a letter, email and even through twitter now. Family means you are loved, supported and forgiven…always. God’s great example of being the ultimate Father, His love, support and forgiveness is open to all. I hope you were able to recognize that loving someone does not mean you will always agree with one another, we are all uniquely designed and our differences should strengthen us not divide us. Have you ever wondered why we are all so different, if God had wanted us to all conform to sameness why create us unique and give us creative abilities. We may not know everything about our journey through this thing called “life” but I am excited to be on the journey with my family & friends and I am assured that God is with me every step I take, He only wants to be invited. I hope you find courage to reach out to family and friends to remind them, they are loved, the blessings you will receive will be amazingly uplifting. I was inspired to write this piece about family while attending a cousins funeral. He was loved by many, but sadly it was too late to tell him in person.

Family, the fragile state of life.
The tests and trials before us
Years come and go, family ties bind
Sickness and sadness reminds us
Busy lives, racing to and fro
Thinking tomorrow time will slow
Tomorrows stay elusive just out of reach
We gather at weddings, wishing
We gather at funerals, remembering
Often asking why and where time has gone
God may seem elusive but He’s not
God is always with us
We only notice when we need Him
Celebrate the daily things
Thank God daily for His presence
Take time for Family in the in-between
Weddings will be happier
Funerals will be less sad
Family ties that bind, strengthened
The grace of God never-ending.

~C.A.Robinson
~April 3, 2011
-4:44pm

Me & My Mom
Yesterday was a day I knew might come but I was unprepared for how the news would unravel before me. I find myself wishing for my mom’s strength and surety. I am asking the obvious question, why it hurts some much to do the right thing when it hurts someone else. Truth often finds its way to the surface no matter how hard one tries to avoid the inevitable. I am saddened with events occurring beyond my control, wishing I could have helped but it was never something I could control, I can love and support and ask God for guidance, love and compassion for the ones that are hurting from no cause of their own. Love the person but not their behavior. Those of us affected by the events of the day have heavy hearts filled with love and support. Why is asking God for help so difficult to do? He’s just waiting for an invitation…Oh God, I know you are fully aware of all things and I am reminded of your words in Hebrews 13:5 “…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

If you read this today and are struggling with things beyond your control, just remember God is only a prayer away; He’s just waiting for an invitation into your life. The writing below was from a few years ago, I found healing and comfort being able to express my fears and was able to recognize the importance of loving myself as others love me. May God’s Blessings be bountiful upon you today!

I look at you and want to pick you up and put my arms around you
Squeeze you and tell you everything is alright, that you’re safe
Caress you hair and sing you a lullaby while gently rocking you
I want to whisper sweet “I love you” and protect you from the dark
You are scared of so many things while trying to be a superhero, too
Slow down; take a deep breath, the world will not stop if you slow down

As a child and during my youth and sometimes still,
I would often wish for someone just like me
Someone to play catch with, someone to talk with
Someone who understood me, who really knew me
As I sit here now, knowing what I now know about myself
I have been wishing and dreaming and pursuing my reflection
The child I saw scared and alone, was me
There are so many things I keep myself from doing because inside I’m that scared child
How can I reach her, how can I heal her…
I just want to pick her up and put my arms around her
Squeeze her and tell her everything is alright, say you’re safe now
I want to caress her hair and sing a lullaby and rock her gently
I want to whisper “you are loved” and stay with her in the dark
I want to tell her being a kid is the best fun ever and I will be her superhero
I want to take her by the hand…walk, run and skip through life with her
-Charlotte A. Robinson
October 7, 2010
2:12pm

Today would have been my parents “50th” wedding anniversary. I spent yesterday with my dad, we had a great day together. We both miss mom and though we don’t discuss our missing her often, we know just by looking at each other and see our hearts. I had always dreamed of celebrating “Their” day with a surprise party filled with family. I would still recommend planning things as a good and noble thing to do but don’t wait to say and show your love and appreciation for only special occasions, I hugged and kissed my mom before saying goodbye at the end of our phone conversations and visits. I do wish we could have had more time but the time we did had, I tried always to show and tell her how much I loved her, she was my mom and she will always be within my heart. There’s special bonds with mothers and daughters as well as dads and daughters. I am so fortunate that I am able to still be daddy’s little girl but also his friend. Family unites us, sorrows connects us and God holds us and protects us with His everlasting love.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

C.A.Robinson
July 25, 2013
1:29am

For days now, the winds of this life have left me
Wanting…searching…lost…and forgotten.
Satisfaction is elusive in a very real sense,
My thoughts, they deceive me
What is fact and what is fiction,
They are all scrambled one upon another, what to do…
I have lost my way, a ship at sea with no sail, no captain
Oh God of heaven and earth, lead me back to you
I need what only you can give, forgiveness and acceptance
Only you can love me though undeserving I am…
Your unconditional love will free me from myself
Please, I beg…take these burdens, teach me your ways,
My ways are weak and cause great pain
I ache and yearn for what this world can give
Alas, it does not sustain me and it pleasures in my pain,
Take those empty dreams and broken promises
Fill me with Your love, compassion and promises
For they will never fail, will never be withered by time
They will endure generation after generation with no end.
Oh God, clothe me with your love
Use me to send and spread your message to others
Others like me, longing for real joy, true happiness and
Limitless abounding love for always.

C.A.Robinson
July 05, 2013
11:28pm

Oh God, teach me how to let go
I feel consumed, my senses deny me
I know I must let go…what is this fear
As the intensity to let go rises
A battle erupts, forces deny one another
Each wanting to win as if this is a game
It is painful no matter if it goes swiftly or faintly
I am experiencing rapid pulse and pounding chest
My breath now more of a pant in anticipation of action
Oh God, why do I deny myself joy to stay enslaved
The control, I alone allow…is so very wrong
My continued grip serves to weaken me
Letting go should be easy, what lesson must I learn
Teach me, show me freedom from release
Forgiveness, that would be key
Not for her, that was done so long ago
Me, I must forgive myself and allow me to let her go
She’s been gone a long time already
Not once, turning to look back, because I hoped she would
The worst has already happened, the day she left me
My misery convinced me, holding on was my only option
Lies, all lies…the past cannot be changed its gone
The future is always a day away…
All I really have is today and I no longer want to hold on
I want to live with both arms free to live and love
I want sunshine from the Son, I desire forgiveness
Breathe in, breathe out … the love of God restores my soul

C.A.Robinson
July 24, 2013
1:30am

As I am sure you noticed, I like to keep track of the time and date of all the things I write. It quickly takes me back in time and I just reminisce. The piece below was the first thing I remember writing, I remember with great clarity, the events that were consuming me at that time. Reading it now, years of growing, maturing and just living provide insight and appreciation that I did not have at the time. Some of the secrets I swore to keep are still locked away but for different reasons today. There’s a valuable piece of wisdom I have gained through the years, life is usually never as bad as it seems. As I reflect on my life, it is now clearly evident God was and continues to be at work in my life. My ability to formulate words that describe my thoughts can only be divine. It’s not for accolades and recognition that I write, it has a healing effect on me in that, the longer the thoughts are trapped within me I ache for a release from my feelings and thoughts. God continues to bless me with the ability to write and reflect on the events happening in my life. I will be posting things that happened decades ago and current activities occurring in my life, I am
honored to share them with you. As I mentioned in my “About me…” I hope you find words and phrases to resonate with and possibly see that we are never as alone as we may think. I wish you love, peace and comfort in all you do!

Feeling Life

What is this pain and emptiness I feel?
Why is my life – all of a sudden?
I lay awake at night – feeling.
During the day – this ache I feel.
Nothing seems to work for me except – this feeling.
I ask myself – What did I do? What didn’t I do?
Can I stop – this feeling?
Can I control – this feeling?
I’m on the edge – the reality of life.
It hurts to think – but I can’t seem to control my thoughts.
If possible to feel hurt and happiness together –
Then, that’s what I feel.
For even though my thoughts hurt –
It’s the only place I see true happiness.
In my thoughts – all my dreams come true.
Dreams – no one knows.
No one to tell –
I cannot bear to have anyone else see or feel this pain I feel.
I am not sorry for this pain – nor do I want sympathy.
All I really want is for someone to listen – to understand.
But – there’s no one.
I try to be strong – I am strong.
But – how long?
Forever – I must! Too much depends on me.
I made a promise to be strong.
To this promise – I will be true.
Till forever is gone – true I will be.
You see – the pain, it isn’t always there.
The pain isn’t always bad.
The painful feelings – –
They remind me of the happiness I once knew.
I can only hope this happiness will return – someday.
If not –
Then, I’m thankful for the memories I have.
I’ll be thankful for every tear I cry –
For they are not tears of sorrow –
But, tears of thanksgiving for possessing the art of feeling.
Not everyone is blessed with such a gift.
So – although I have pain and emptiness.
My life – it will go one.
Perhaps as life takes me down its path –
I will find more understanding of this feeling.
This feeling – it’s difficult to explain and even more to describe.
What can cause both hurt and happiness – ?
The answer – – – different for all of us.
For me, this feeling is – – – LOVE.
And, I will never regret it as long as I live.
Many may say they know what love is.
But until you feel it.
One cannot appreciate its depth.
If not for love –
Life would hold no purpose.
The power of love – in explainable.
For me, it is ever present in my heart, mind and soul.
It takes over your being and brings meaning and purpose to life itself.
It’s never selfish –
And, grows deeper day by day.
You see – it’s not just a feeling –
It’s what life is all about.
So, if love finds you but once in your lifetime –
Then, you are truly blessed.
Because, once you’ve got that feeling it never goes away.

~C.A.Robinson
November 1988

Walls, high and strong
As I see and feel the attempts to breach
An illness covers me
Fight and flight disappear
I am alone in this empty place
Cold and dark, damp and dreary
My possessions hold no value to me
My heart is heavy, weighed with everything
Ones heart can easily overthrow the brain
Where is my help, whom can I trust
This horrible pain, it invades my slumber
Pain, disappointment and strife
They steal, rob and plunder all that is good
Oh God, where is my refugee
My screams do not relieve my struggles
Sunshine or dark of night, it’s all the same
Pride is my leader, I cower under its control
Oh God, how to overcome this I pray
I am all tangled and tied up, save me I beg
Tiredness and shame are my clothing
Oh God of Isaac and Jacob…
Renew your spirit within me
Surround me with your arms
Hold me tight and never let go
Is it so foolish to want to be cradled, held and protected
I’m tired, scared, lonely and alone.

C.A.Robinson
3:45pm
July 19, 2013

I am dedicating my first post to the individuals that have encouraged me to step out in faith and share my words with a larger audience. I find comfort in words and they seem to tell a story. The past few years have been emotionally challenging to me and often the words come faster than I can write or type them. I used to think that my writings were only meaningful to me but I have been so blessed with people and friends in my life that can not only see me in my writings but they too have experienced comfort and meaning in my words. One of the greatest moments in my life was when a friend ask to borrow my words for a similar situation in hers. Oh my, what a huge honor that was for me. To be able to share the gift that God has so freely given to me with someone so dear to me, what an amazing feeling. I look forward to sharing with you and look forward to hear your comments and most importantly, I pray that the words I share can offer insights and comfort to you. My muse for writing comes from every aspect of my life. My faith is central to my being and my prayer is that not only do I wish to share my thoughts with you, but more importantly the love of God in everything. I would like mention everyone by name that has pushed, prodded and encouraged me to do this but the list is long…please know I love and appreciate all of you. I would like to share words about the one person I could always count on, my mom…I miss you every single day!

In This Very Place

Your spirit is woven into the fabric of this very place
Every corner, every shelf reveals remnants of your special touch
Christmas gifts of long ago still adorn the walls of this sacred place
Family photos of yesteryear all with a story to tell
If only this were but a childish game running and laughing, all covered with love
I hear you in the chimes letting me know you’re near
Hummingbirds with their ease of flight…shows me the beauty and complexity of this life
As I hear the tick tock of the clocks, I can hear your laughter in the distance
Remembering the comfort and strength in your warm embrace,
Remembering your sacrifices in all you did, making life sweeter
Everything has changed, nothing feels the same, and hard as I try reality continues knocking at my door
Go away, go away…Can’t you see you’re not welcome in this place.
This was hers, this was ours…wishes and dreams unfulfilled, it’s all left undone
Questions linger, the obvious one of why…it’s beyond our understanding.
Has she traveled to all the places she once dreamed of, was there a welcoming of those who had gone before?
No pain…walking and running freely, perhaps even flying or floating about.
Today as I looked in the sky, filled with billowing white clouds I paused to wonder…
Thinking to myself, and saying…can she see me, is she proud of me,
Am I doing and being the best person I can be? When will I see her again?
Mom, I miss you so very much and I love you more than I was ever able to show.
Until we meet again, you will always be in my heart, my soul…the very existence of who I am, always and forever…your daughter.

~C.A.Robinson
September 19, 2011
1:23am