We need to recognize. we are all created for God’s purposes, not our own. Even the unbelievers are created with purpose, this purpose is not ours to define or dissect.

Courage…what might be courageous for one, may not be for another…it is not a contest, stop judging and comparing one against another.

I miss lazy days spent with my mom, like when I was a kid. Most especially in the winter and we would watch funny movies on TV, or going to the local video rental store to rent VHS tapes and the VCR because we didn’t have one at home. Other occasions we would attempt to put a 1000 piece puzzle together, mom was really good at puzzles! We would make popcorn and caramel corn (mom’s favorite). Often times, my aunt Helen and my cousin Teresa would come to our house to visit…we would laugh and giggle together doing nothing or playing games. We would play gin rummy, board games like monopoly, sorry, sequence, pick up sticks, even Lego’s and Lincoln logs…no matter where we were or what we were doing love was always present. As I am sitting here writing this I can close my eyes and feelings surround me and I can almost feel a gentle hug envelop me, it’s a warm feeling from head to toe. This all reminds me of the power of God, the intricate make up of the human body and its massive abilities. God gave us minds with endless possibilities for memories and one such powerful memory is that our loved ones could always be with us, always only a thought away…the power of the mind and the beauty of creation by a God who loves us beyond measure and is incomprehensible. Unfortunately, God does not always get our best in return for all His goodness and love that He freely gives to us. It is only because of God’s grace and mercy, we can be renewed daily and be forgiven our sins because of His great sacrifice on the cross, He paid the price in full for all our sins, we are forgiven and are made new, simply by seeking and asking God for His forgiveness and it shall be! I have a friend who uses the phrase, “my/our/their eyes were opened” meaning God has opened/allowed the eyes, heart and spirit to see/understand. Although my friend and I may differ on some aspects of how we get to God, the most important thing is, we agree that God is the creator of all things and without God there would be nothingness. We believe in God, the Father; Christ Jesus, the Son of God and the Holy Spirit! I am blessed to have this unnamed friend in my life. He has blessed me in more ways than I can even begin to count.  I am currently at a point in my life where things are becoming more defined and clearer than ever before. About three years ago I participated in “My One Word,” maybe you’ve heard of it(?). My word was “clarity.” I wanted God to give me clarity, perspective…basically the “answers.” I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “hind sight is 20/20?” Looking back, God was and is my constant teacher, I was just not seeing it…my eyes had not been opened. They were closed and I was in the dark, stumbling to and fro. I’m learning so many wonderful things about myself and the people with whom I’m sharing life and friendships with. The things I thought were so important somehow have lost their appeal, I guess as I get older practicality wins out over flashy and new. I look back at my childhood and I would not trade it for anything, not because it was perfect or only filled with good things…those things don’t exist! I’m glad I had disappointments, mistakes and I’m equally overjoyed to have been good at lots of things and rewarded and praised for my achievements. The funny thing is I have lots of pictures capturing those special and significant moments of me growing up, pictures of life’s suspended moments in time, but I don’t break out the photograph albums very often because I can see them in my thoughts, my eyes have been “opened” to the fullness of those moments and the beautiful thing is…I always have them with me. God is opening my eyes to the awesome childhood I had, to the parents I have and all those wonderful people who made a significant difference in my life and never know it while they we here on earth. God continues to open my eyes to experiences I don’t understand and why some things happened and why some things did not! I’m learning that the unpleasant and hurtful things I’ve experienced, all happened for a reason, God uses situations that we don’t understand at the time, to teach us of the power of God and of His everlasting love! I am beginning to find clarity, learning to process things that happened and did not know why. I must also be accepting of the answers I am so feverishly pursuing. So, I’m not perfect…none of us are, I have spent too much time trying to be perfect, not realizing  that it is impossible! I was busy trying to find things for myself, I put off spending time with my parents. We all go through that cycle I think, you know when we are too cool to be seen hanging out with the family! It can all be gone is a flash! I now call home more often, I say I love you more often, I visit more often and I miss you always (mom).  Don’t wait until holidays to share your love and appreciate to those you love…everyday is an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life! I personally like to greet people, mostly strangers with a smile, and a hello! Be a blessing to someone today!

~Blessings and Peace~

Have you ever felt nothing and everything all at the same time? Have you ever been so bored that nothing and nobody could cause a change? I would like to tell you I’ve found the answers for these things, sadly I have not. I heard a song by Citizen Way called “When I’m with You” for the first time today just minutes before turning the radio off in my car. The first few lines grab my attention and I immediately I felt a connection.

These are the things that I need to pray
Because I can’t find peace any other way
I’m a mess underneath and I’m just too scared to show it

Everything’s not fine
And I’m not okay
But it’s nice to know
I can come this way

These words captivated me and I felt as if it were being sung just for me. I found myself identifying with the lyrics, there was part of me that just wanted to turn the radio off yet, there was an overwhelming sensation of urgency telling me that needed to hear the words to the entire song. The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me, I have gained some clarity surrounding the words love, friendship and relationship. These three words are used every single day of our lives in some form or fashion and often they mean very different things to each of us. I would also like to mention that we rarely recognize the people in our lives that exemplifies the beauty and compassion woven into the fabric of our lives through love, friendships and relationships. I am certain some of us will agree upon the dictionary definitions of love, friendship and relationships; but for me, just reading or hearing the words that describe them leaves me feeling brutally cold, feverishly lost and utterly abandoned. The act of giving and receiving love will in most cases be a reflection of what we learned and observed at a very young age. So we watch people who say they love…this or that; we imagine love, we participate in actions of love and ultimately it is my hope that everyone can be on the receiving end of love. The same process can be used while experiencing love, friendship and relationship. It will look and feel drastically different to everyone to a significant degree based upon our authenticity, our cultural practices and our religious beliefs. As humans, we are complicated! Very complicated! I mentioned at the beginning I that I did not have the answers, that is partially correct. If you continue listening to the song or read the lyrics the answer is quite simple….JESUS!

When I’m with You
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of You, Jesus
Anytime, anywhere, any heartache
I’m never too much for You to take
There’s only love
There’s only grace
When I’m with You

Nobody knows me like You do
No need for walls, You see right through
Every hurt, every scar, every secret… You just love me

I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with You

So I’m here just as I am
Bruised or broken
I don’t have to pretend

As humans we all fall short, we are sinful. I can promise only 1 thing with certainty…God loves you and will never leave you. Trust Jesus!

Deuteronomy 31:6, Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; “He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:8, The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Joshua 1:5, No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

1Kings 8:57, “May the LORD our God be with us as he was with our fathers; may He never leave us nor forsake us.”

1Chronicles 28:20, David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you.He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.”

Psalms 37:28, For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. “They will be protected forever,but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;”

Psalms 94:14 “For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.”

Isaiah 41:17 “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.”

Isaiah 42:16 “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

We may leave God, but He will never leave us!

~Blessings and Peace~

Love:
: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
: attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship
: a person you love in a romantic way

Friendship:
: the state of being friends : the relationship between friends
: a friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone

Relationship:
: the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other
: a romantic or sexual friendship between two people
: the way in which two or more people or things are connected

That song has been one of my all-time favorite songs since I was a child. I remember singing it at church and at vacation bible school. It is such a powerful song, it’s one you can whisper or shout out with passion. Music is very powerful and it can help or hinder a person and their faith. I know God loves me and cares for me, it is I, who doubts and blames. God has this beautiful way of helping His children understand the world and our place and purpose within His world. I have learned to seek God’s will but I am also very human and I have sadly been disobedient, I’m sharing this life lesson in hopes of helping not just myself but others too. You may even recognize some of my actions maybe even reflect them. About nine months ago I embarked upon a journey and an experiment called “guided imagery.” Although, the experiment is clearly defined as imagery, I am a visual learner and had to improvise. I took a few words and placed them into a glass bottle with a lid. The words lost power over me once they were locked inside. The words I chose were (FEAR and PERFECTION). Fear in the sense that I was/am afraid to try new things because if I screw up someone will laugh and make fun of me. I am extremely fearful of anything I’ve never tried before. I am not fearful of everything, I am confident of a lot of things. I am not afraid of failure if I am skilled in the attempt…I’ve lost a lot even with skills and I simply pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. So, that’s the short story version of fear. Now there’s (PERFECTION)…let me clarify, perfection is not being perfect, that’s what I tell myself. I think one can strive for perfection, falling short of that is okay…keep striving and adding to ones skill set. I have a tendency to set unrealistic goals for myself, I even place unrealistic expectations upon my friends, family and coworkers. The writings I’ve included below were written a few years ago. I have found myself thinking about relationships (friendships and romantic one). Have you ever experienced the “deer in the headlight” moment? Or a moment in which you were completely taken by surprise with something and you simply freeze? We all handle these situations vastly different. Do you have a “go to” plan when these kind of things happen to you? I most definitely do and it’s worked for me most of my life for two separate reasons. Reason one, I close up and walk away. No resolve, no looking back. I would like to add, this method it not a healthy choice. Reason two, I fill up on anger, I feel as if everyone is looking at me and all I want to do is disappear. My chest becomes weighed down, I feel my blood racing through the veins and arteries in my neck. I hold my breath and fight back tears not wanting to give in because it is weakness. As I sit or stand thoughts of punishing myself and telling myself I am not worthy, fill my thoughts completely. So, I’m sure you have figured out that the two choices I listed neither are good ones. I never said they were, only that they have been my “go to” choices. Recently, I received a message from a friend questioning my actions…the question, innocent enough just a question. True, but what I heard was this…”What were you thinking? Why would you do such a thing? Don’t you know better? Can’t you follow directions? What is wrong with you? After each imagined phrase I felt myself shrinking, as if someone were standing in front of me and pointing, accusing and each word weighing more than the previous one until I am the smallest thing in the room, and yet I’m still there because to make me disappear would stop my existence and sport of belittling me to the edge of nothingness. My instinct was to shut down and walk away…but that’s not what my heart wanted. Staying in the present meant work, work to figure out the why’s and answer difficult questions. As I stated earlier the song “Blessed Assurance” is a favorite and when I heard a new song very similar called, “This is my Story” it instantly became a favorite. These two songs are a full circle for me. The fact that my friend wouldn’t just let me go, the fact that I didn’t want to give up has led me to where I am today. A lesson I’m learning is this, words only have power over us when we allow them permission. This is an opportunity to tell my story, recognize that my story isn’t over and I do not have to continue doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. I am worth giving another chance; I am not perfect and God never requested perfection only obedience. Jesus loves you, not your car, your home, your job…He loves you! Simply you, He’s got an amazing plan for your life. Join me in being the child that God created and created with a purpose and plan.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s body I chose you.Before you were born I set you apart to serve me.” ~Jeremiah 1:5
There Once was a Girl

There once was a girl, she cared a lot and gave a lot
There once was girl who fell in love, she loved a lot and gave a lot
There once was a girl who lost her love, she cried a lot and hurt a lot.
She tried and tried to move beyond the pain and the hurt.
There was once a girl, filled with wonder and cheer
There once was a girl she gave her heart away
There was once a girl, she had her heart returned and it hurt a lot
She cried and cried and tried to forget
She tried and tried to move beyond the pain, beyond the hurt
There was once a girl, she cared a lot, gave a lot, loved a lot …lost a lot

-C.A.Robinson
August, 18, 2010
1230

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
~Jeremiah 17:9-10

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” ~John 14:1

“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.” ~Proverbs 21:2
Being my own worst enemy

Never giving others the first opportunity to cut me down

Wanting to be a part of someone else life

Loneliness surrounds me, taking my breath away –

Choking me on the stagnant air that encompasses my mere existence

I feel trapped in my own skin covered with an impenetrable shield of self-preservation

Aching to be free from myself, afraid of happiness

Fearful to open doors just to have them slammed closed

My measure of worth in the hands of each person I encounter

I want to bleed to feel relief so much hidden inside nowhere to escape

Tears hidden in the dark, smiles mask the torment lurking beneath the surface

Wanting freedom, frighten of self, mirror reflections – a stranger but familiar

Vague memory of who I was or is it? Have I ever really known?

My Identity, as if it were as easy as looking at a map or following step by step instructions.

~C.A.Robinson

“The Lord appeared to us in the past. He said, “I have loved you with a love that lasts forever.  I have kept on loving you with a kindness that never fails.” ~Jeremiah 31:3

I had a wonderful day today. I had lunch with some of my friends from church, the JULIETS we are called, (Jolly Unique Ladies Informally Eating Together Somewhere)! We meet once a month at a restaurant and share in a meal and conversations with one another. The spirit of love and friendship seemed to hover over our table. We were surrounded by new friends, old friends, the memories of those who were unable to attend. I count myself very blessed to have the life I enjoy, I have friends who truly and honestly care about me and love me with kindness in an unconditional manner. I found myself thinking of my mother a lot today, even shedding a few tears here and there, she would have loved the group I spend time with throughout the year. I imagined my mom smiling and laughing, this song had been placed upon my heart weirdly because I don’t know if my mom had every heard it but listening to it several times tonight I sort of felt a connection with God and my mom. I imagined them looking down at me, my mom no longer being tired all the time from working too many long days and hours. She always had a reserve of energy she could tap into if I needed her or just wanted to see her. She always had time for her grandkids and for my brother, dad and any one of our relatives. My mom was a giver, a supporter, a bank, a grocery store…you name it and she would make things happen. I so wanted to fill those shoes she left behind, to be the daughter she dreamed of… However, as good of an idea as that was it was so not me. I have learned a few life lessons since my mother’s passing in 2012. She was an incredible woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin…not a saint but definitely a jewel! One lesson I am learning to put into action is I was not created to be an exact replica of my mother, I am a mixture of all those family members and generations an eclectic beings with many parts thrown in. God created each of us uniquely different and with a purpose that is individually ours to grow into. Because I love my parents I wanted them to be proud of me, I respect their values and morals they instilled in me growing up. I was not a perfect child but not one single time did they ever turn away from me and was always my biggest cheerleader in any and all activity I ever participated in. I remember a few summers when I was not old enough to drive and I played on 2-3 different softball teams…my mom never missed a game. She drove me all over west and central Indiana. I miss her voice and her encouragement. So as I said I am learning that I can be and grow into who I was created to be and still represent and honor my parents with the unconditional love they gave me and the unconditional love I still receive from my dad, brother and the whole clan and generations I came from. The most valuable lesson I’ve learned since losing my mom has been “boundaries.” God has brought several confident and assured individuals into my life to show and teach me about boundaries, healthy boundaries. I wish it were possible to list each one here by name but they are very modest and I will respect their privacy, my hope is they can at least smile and know that they have made an impact upon my life in such dramatic ways. And, in addition, I have no doubt they would pass the kudos and congratulations to God, they were merely doing His Will. I have to be honest, another skill I’m honing in on, being honest is also about being true to yourself and allows you to be free to be who you are created to be within healthy boundaries. I enjoy gifting-giving of myself to others, a smile, a hello and a how are you…any of these gestures are free to give away every single day and I promise you, the gifts you receive back are priceless. Did you know that every single day people are walking around feeling invisible, thinking that life would not miss them if they were suddenly no longer around? I imagine you have at least one person in your life that you see on a regular basis that feels like that sometimes. In the midst of this rambling, I am trying to share another lesson I’ve learned and strangely it is related to “boundaries” let’s say a close relative called “giving in excess.” As I mentioned earlier, I’m a giver, “gift’r” I feel good when I can give of myself to others but being a giver one can give until they are empty and that can quickly go into a downward spiral. I have learned that being a friend or confidant means it must be “reciprocal.” When giving is only one-sided the giver can easily become depleted and if relationships are not about “give and take” they quickly become lopsided and broken. I am not saying keep score but to have a healthy balance. The last lesson I want to share with you is a “must” a prerequisite to boundaries and reciprocal relationship that would be love, “love yourself!” If your self-worth is nonexistent, you will fail. Expecting someone to invest in you when you don’t even like yourself is counterintuitive. You are so worth taking the time to be all you were created to be. I’m not saying this will be easy, it won’t! Don’t be what others think you are, be you…if that means listening to classical music instead watching sports on tv, it’s ok. If you want to wear dresses instead of sweatpants, it’s ok. Take time to figure out what makes you happy, I’m telling you from experience living out someone else’s ideas of who you are will one day have a reckoning with you and you will have no idea who you are anymore. Love yourself from the inside out.

~Peace, Love and Joy ~Always!

“He has told you, O man, what is good;and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness,and to walk humbly with your God? “~Micah 6:8