Monday, June 5th, 2023
Dear Friends ~
Recently, I have found myself overwhelmed, frustrated and even angry. What is even worse is that I have allowed my emotions to overflow into my personal and professional life. I admittedly can be bold and brass at times, when making statements I feel most passionately about. I also know, there are times when one needs to be more tempered and restrained. But, stress has a way of seeping out through stress fractures in our self-applied armor; the figurative cloaks we cover ourselves with. I am just human, not an action superhero from Marvels: Avengers, a personal favorite. And, I do not have a cloak of invisibility like Harry Potter. Just last week, I felt my body was telling me that I was depleted, needed rest and recovery but, being overconfident and unyieldingly stubborn I told myself, YOU GOT THIS! Well, that was a lie and as soon as I got to work and entered the office space I work in which was filled with coworkers…I lost myself and I all the restraints of my occasional brassy tone! It was like a dormant volcano just erupted. Let’s just say it was not long before I was called out by my supervisor, saying “let’s take a walk.” Dun, Dun Duuun! Sometimes it’s not always a good idea to speak aloud the words swirling in one’s head! I’m happy to say, we were able to talk things out and I took a few moments to collect myself and I returned to the office and apologized to everyone. I felt very ashamed and embarrassed, I knew I was wrong and needed forgiveness. The release of such a burden was as if weights were lifted off me.
I have been ignoring the signs my body has been telling me as well as suggests from friends to get some rest. I am not very good at say “no” and I often overextend myself. I love, really I do…love helping others and caring for others. I’m really bad, super bad about asking or accepting support or help. Trust me, I’ve been trying to make sense of my bad choices my entire life. Deep down I know I have an unresolved “something” I just can’t or haven’t been able to articulate it. I find that it bubbles towards the surface in times of deep stress and uncontrolled circumstances. Most of the time, I’m pretty good at keeping “it” whatever “it” is at bay.
If you know me, you might be asking “why I am not simply praying about this and turning it over to God?” I have tried and well, the truth is, I can be stubborn, foolish and selfish. I talk to God everyday but rarely confide about my personal struggles, all the time knowing and believing He already know my heart and everything about me. In fact, I have trouble telling most people about my struggles. There’s some misguided lesson I learned that to do so makes me weak and less than…oh, I don’t know. I have been feeling very unworthy and undeserving, maybe even a bit pitiful. But of course, I am unworthy and undeserving of God’s love, grace and forgiveness! I know and believe that God loves me, not because of anything I’ve done but because God loved me first. Jesus made a way of salvation for me. I’m human and forget that I’m a created being. I am a child of God, His love covers my sins, His mercy and grace have been extended to me by His great love.
I sometimes feel like the world is spinning out of control, the scales of justice tipping in extremes or not working at all. Violence and crimes are on the rise. There seems to be fewer and fewer people giving/receiving respect for one another, politeness is often ignored or scoffed at and self-preservation seems to a priory tat all costs.
Just to be clear, my life is not filled with doom and gloom. This mood or “bump in the road” is temporary. For instance, I look forward to walking into work on Sunday’s and Monday’s because I pass by at least 3-4 employees and just seeing them makes me smile. We exchange greetings and it feels…good! I really love my job and the duties I am responsible for, the people are pretty good too. I also have a friend that I text everyday, it is such joy to know someone is thinking about me and praying with me and for me. I have family that I love to spend time with, we tell stories over and over of our life experiences and remember fondly loved ones who are no longer with us.
It’s true what the Bible says about our lives…
Psalm 39:4-13 (NLT)
For Jeduthun, the choir director: A psalm of David.
Psalm 39:1-4 Matthew Henry’s Commentary
David here recollects, and leaves upon record, the workings of his heart under his afflictions; and it is good for us to do so, that what was thought amiss may be amended, and what was well thought of may be improved the next time.
“I said to myself, “I will watch what I do and not sin in what I say. I will hold my tongue when the ungodly are around me.”
“But as I stood there in silence—not even speaking of good things—the turmoil within me grew worse.”
The more I thought about it,the hotter I got, igniting a fire of words: “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is.”
Psalm 39:5-13 Matthew Henry’s Commentary
The psalmist, having meditated on the shortness and uncertainty of life, and the vanity and vexation of spirit that attend all the comforts of life, here, in these verses, turns his eyes and heart heaven-ward. When there is no solid satisfaction to be had in the creature it is to be found in God, and in communion with him; and to him we should be driven by our disappointments in the world. David here expresses,
“We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
“My only hope is in you. Rescue me from my rebellion.”
“Do not let fools mock me. I am silent before you; I won’t say a word, for my punishment is from you.”
“But please stop striking me! I am exhausted by the blows from your hand.”
“When you discipline us for our sins, you consume like a moth what is precious to us. Each of us is but a breath.”
“Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears. For I am your guest—a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me.”
“Leave me alone so I can smile again before I am gone and exist no more.”
“You do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.”James 4:14
Thank you for following my blog and visiting it today. It’s okay to have rough and difficult days, just remember you are never alone, God is with you. God is with me and I’m so very thankful for that.
~ ~Charlotte, Seeker of unexpected Comfort, Happiness, Joy and Patience.
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