Friends,

I am writing this entry with nothing specific in mind but my mind is full of things.  I am currently sitting in a booth at a favorite restaurant of mine.  I like it here because it feels familiar, family feeling.  I have spent many hours in conversation while enjoying a meal with friends here in this place.  I am off work today, my Saturday if you will for those if you working the typical Monday through Friday schedule.  My work week is probably like many of yours filled with the necessities of life, things that must be done and often our personal needs often must wait for available time usually the weekends.  All too often I find myself wanting to literally hibernate because attending to my personal needs and wants seem so overwhelming. I completely admire “mothers” from my first hand experiences of my own mother and many friends that balance family, friends, husbands and children and have enough energy to care for themselves.  I also believe that God calls these women to service to be mothers to teach others the limitless possibilities to love and be loved.  I often feel very alone in this world, which is not the true reality of my life, I have a father who loves me, a brother that has a limitless ability to care for others, a niece and a nephew, many aunts and uncles, cousins and friends, truly God has blessed me with loving support.  Why do I feel alone and isolated? I can answer that, at least partially answer my own question…I choose to be, not for the obvious reasons of “oh, feel sorry for me.”  I have had a deep desire to care for others for as long as I can remember, this to my own detriment.  I feel joy when I can help others, a release of endorphins stimulates my mind and body to a state of happiness.  A key piece of information is knowing when to give and when to acknowledge limits if giving and identifying boundaries to protect myself from harm.  In order for me to give and continue to give is recognizing when I need to “give” to myself for my own preservation, boundaries.  A word I love to visual is “reciprocal” being able to see the word in action helps me understand the complexity of all relationships, if one side is always giving eventually things become so heavy on one side it causes collapse.  This discovery has been monumental to me!  Thank you, my friend for sharing your knowledge with me, you know who you are.  I am so much more aware of my place in this world, my world is so much more than the fenced in areas.  It is not my world, it’s God’s world I am in this world for His glory, not mine.  It can be so easy to minimize our existence when we live with blinders on, there is so much to see and learn, so much God has for us!  We all are making difference, the only question is are we making a change for God and His goodness?

As I share my struggles and triumphs with you, I pray that you see God and open yourselves to Him.

This is a follow-up to my previous blog titled “Fading…” I am extremely blessed by God and He is ever-present I know this by His wonderous works of grace and mercy.  Yet, knowing all these things I still feel the pressures of this life I live here on earth. I want to be very authentic when sharing my thoughts and yes, today was very dark and scary to read but trust me, it was exactly what I was feeling when I wrote it.  Two of my oldest and dearest friends reached out to me as soon as they read my words, tears immediately welled up and I could feel their love surrounding me and I knew I was not alone, God had provided for my needs at that very moment.  I never meant to cause any troubles to my readers.  Margaret and Nancy, your friendship has remained strong and special over the years…I love you both immensely! And, Pastor Michael your support and prayers are felt, thanks.  After, exchanging text messages and a phone call I knew I needed to follow-up and tell you that I know and believe God is bigger and stronger than anything in this world, I knew that truth while writing but writing it down got it out of my head, my authentic message to everyone reading this is “God is good, God is good all the time!” I also want to thank a special friend and her silent strength and endless prayers and reminds me, that being me as ok.  Place your trust in God always and most especially when nothing makes sense and the tunnel has gone dark.  Nancy reminded me of one of my favorite passages, “Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity…”

~Blessing and Peace~

I feel myself slipping away to a familiar place, a place I haven’t been in a long while. I know I should resist but I want to let go. My strength is weak, my senses are covered with a dense fog of vagueness. My desire for life is weakened in this state of nothingness, I have not lost my awareness of God and my need for Him; however, I do feel and acknowledge the distance between us growing with every breath I take. As the darkness continues to surround me, the light of hope is pushed further away, I can almost touch it. My tears do not flow outward, my sorrow grows within me. I want to rest, I sleep but rest eludes me.

C.A.Robinson
~03/13/2014

Lent 2014-What will you seek to receive?  I want to share mine with you…

What to give up? My fear of FEAR
What to give? LOVE

Daily
– Thank God for everything (All of it)
– Tell fear I will face you

Paul wrote, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”

– Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

Direct me in the path of your commands,for there I find delight.

– Psalms 119:35 (NIV)

03/05/2014: Ash Wednesday, the service was emotional for me, it gave me cause in considering our mortality and a realization that I am NOT in control, God is!  I am allowing myself to be being controlled by false ideation of being the central part of the solutions but I desperately need to trust God which means giving up the reins of my life and my selfishness. It is time to face my fears and to bring them out into the light where darkness can’t hide and give false security. As I drove home from the service I kept thinking that if I were gone tomorrow what would happen to all the things I think are mine alone to do or can only be done me…somehow the pieces I’ve left behind would somehow get picked up, they would not simply disappear because I was gone, someone else would take over. I also thought about my mom and the emptiness my family has felt since her passing almost two years ago and as I see my father aging and his body doesn’t work like it used to, it saddens me to see him so fragile, and if his time to leave this earth is before mine will the void within me collapse and seal the pain that haunts or will it completely engulf me? The root cause of my emotions is fear, I’m so frightened all the time, fears of loneliness, emptiness, intimacy, of being me, the person God created me to be; why am I so scared of all these things and more? As I begin my Lenten journey I am seeking to fully experience and participate in this season of reflection, remembrance and renewed spirit. I was also reminded at the Ash Wednesday service that this season is about three things:
Prayer
Fasting
Giving of Alms
Through these things we are recipients of mercy and beneficiaries of grace given by our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Psalms 51:10

~Blessing and Peace~

Don’t write your name on the sand, waves will wash it away.

Don’t write your name in the sky, wind may blow it away.

Write your name in the hearts of people you come in touch with. That’s where it will stay. 

~Unknown

While reading my devotional earlier this week I came across this quote and I immediately connected with it because of my love of the ocean.  My favorite place that I have frequently visited is the state of Florida.  As I was reading the words in this quote I had brilliant memory begin to flash through my thoughts, images quickly took shape and I can almost feel the cool breeze of the night air while watching reflections of the moon bouncing on the ocean waves.  I have had the opportunity to view several sunrises and sunsets from the Atlantic coast to the Gulf coast, as well as beautiful Key West.  The last line of the quote brings to mind so many great individuals God has placed in my life, I will not be able to give each of them the credit they deserve but I do want to share a few with you.  I have a dear friend I met during my freshman year at college, she and I have remained friends over the years and although our connection has been distanced by time and life situations,  she has been much like a big sister, a best friend, a role model for being a strong woman, a devoted wife and a dedicated mother.  After college, I began to work for an agency providing residential services for individuals with developmental disabilities, I had the opportunity to meet another very passionate, educated and dedicated woman, she had a pure heart and always had time to mentor me and our friendship grew, she left this earth way to early and I often think of her but I know she’s in heaven and singing with the angels.  I continue being blessed on a daily basis by God placing people into my life to challenge me to pursue my passions and my purpose in this life.  The most valuable lesson I have learned over the past few years has been discovering the true priorities in my life.  I know and believe I was created by God, Jeremiah 29:11(NRSV)”For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”  As well as being created with a purpose, Isaiah 43:7 (NRSV) “everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”  At this point in my life I am discovering how to use the gifts that God created within me and I have amazing people in my life right now helping with the process.  I have thought at times that I have wasted so much time not doing God’s Will but I know that I am the person I am only because of my life experiences, I need to trust in God and His plans for me. Romans 8:28 (NRSV) “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”  Lastly, to those individuals in my life not specifically mentioned you are in my heart and mean so very much to me, each of you have left footprints upon my heart.  Live into the person God created you to be, it will be amazing.  

~Blessings and Peace~

Today, I saw a church sign while driving my dad home from the hospital that read, “Live today like you will see God tomorrow.”  It made me think of my own mortality here on earth, it is strange recognizing the difference between thinking and sensing mortality.  I’ve always known that it is our souls that live on in Heaven or Hell from my Christian beliefs growing up.  Even with this knowledge it is so very easy getting caught up in “living forever” thoughts.  Makes me think of first loves, making unreasonable promises we wouldn’t learn until later, to our surprise and we experience the sting of lost love’s.  Valentine’s day is here and it is renowned for “love” and all the promises we can muster up, all with the best of intentions but our promises are conditional based upon all sorts of criteria, I have learned in recent years, nothing on this earth is forever.  God’s love is the only true love that is completely unconditional, He created each one of us and has special plans for each of us.  For some that includes a true love, whatever our individual definition of that may be.  When we give our hearts to one another we are opening our hearts to be vulnerable, I know and have experienced the rapid-firing of endorphins when all you see, hear, smell and touch is pure love…you promise the moon and the stars, sunrises and sunsets…well, at least we want to!  God alone can deliver these, but He wants to give you these things and more to share with your love or just for you.  Love comes into our lives in so many ways, some receive love by giving to God, others do charity work, some paint, draw, sing or write and other still have children and husbands or wives.  Just as we are all created individually, we all experiences love differently.  I haven’t given up on love but I’m also not mourning it any longer because God cared enough for me to show me love in everything around me.  I want my life to count for something, what will my legacy reveal?  I have always wanted to make a difference, to be remembered for…Charlotte did this or that and changed lives.  My reality is, I am only someone because the One True God brought me into being!  Death as the world views it is finality, but it’s not it’s just the beginning!  I have been thinking about life, living and dying it’s as some say, “the circle of life.”  It’s not the opinions or accolades from people I leave that matters, “I want to hear God say, ‘Well done my good and faithful servant!”

Matthew 25:21(NIV)

“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!”

~Blessings and Peace~

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12 (NIV)

When I was a kid I can remember thinking, “what will I be like when I’m old?”  I still feel like a kid inside, although many outside appearance show signs of aging. Most significant is I will always be a grandchild to my grandparents and the daughter to my parents and the older sister to my brother.  Family has always been the center of what our values and convictions about life have come from.  I understand the “Circle of Life” and the “Season’s in Life,” but nothing truly prepares a child for the death of a parent.  Possessing the truths of reality is easier when it’s not the loss of your own parent.  My mom shared several conversations with me in the event of her passing and although I listened to her instructions I never seriously thought I would ever have to actually follow through on any of her wishes.  It’s been a year and eight months since her passing and I miss her every single day.   There are times when I wonder if she would be pleased and proud of me, my insecurities rising to the surface but in my heart I know she loved me and wanted nothing but happiness for me, my brother and dad.  Today, I went with my dad to a doctor’s appointment to discuss recent test results and talk about his overall health and concerns.  I heard words today that bubbled up feelings of fear and peace into my very being, my father said he was ready to go, he is not afraid of dying and doesn’t want to be taken care of or be a burden to anyone. Fear is having to say goodbye and go through all the stages of grief again, they will likely be similar but also altogether different. Peace is knowing he is going to Heaven, he will forever be in the presence of God and the Angels.  My dad is such a gentle man, caring and sharing with anyone in need.  He is strong and meek, loyal and faithful.  I am reminded and perhaps gained some maturity through the years that he probably has felt and is now feeling some if not the very thoughts and feelings I am experiencing.  He was also a grandchild, a child and a brother. He most likely has felt abandoned or cheated because he lost his dad at a much younger age than I am right now, he solely cared for his mother for several years and never complained once.  That’s what families do, we care for one another no matter the cost of time, talents and money if available.  I was at a loss consoling my father today, I felt inadequate to be supportive because I wanted to be consoled but God provided the words and actions needed for the moment. My God, our God is an amazing God! ~Blessings and Peace~

I had the pleasure of joining the “JULIETS” for lunch this past Friday, at 3 Pints Brew Pub.  To merely say they are “Jolly Unique Ladies Informally Eating Together Somewhere” is an understatement.  The eating is the by-product of sharing love and support for one another while experiencing God’s amazing love and grace through fellowship.  Each time I have been able to join them I have walked away knowing that my life has been enriched by the wisdom and life experiences of everyone in attendance.  It is such a blessing having women in my life that live their lives in Christ on a daily basis, God truly is with us no matter where we are…church, bowling alley, book store, restaurant and even brew pubs!  I highly recommend church and church attendance but it’s not only the people attending that need to see Jesus in us, our neighborhoods, our schools, our parks and our communities need to see Jesus at work in us.  So, the next time you are out enjoying a meal and you see a table filled with women that are laughing, talking and perhaps being a bit loud…don’t assume they are just gossiping!”

Luke 19:10 (NIV)”For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

Matthew 18:20 (NIV) “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Romans 8:31 (NIV) “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

~Blessings and Peace~

Have you ever been instantly overcome with so many emotions your only response is tears flowing over your cheeks?  I am living the truth that one never truly ever gets over grief, it’s a “process” I’m told.  I can also add that it can be unpredictable and definitely does not follow a neat and tidy protocol from easy through difficult to healed! I am finding that these same memories can appear most anywhere at anytime, from a familiar smell, a place, or in the busy and quietness of the day.  I have placed “controlled” memories around my home, a favorite picture of my mom holding me when I was only about two.  Seeing her arms wrapped around me warms me from the inside out.  I have a photo of my mom before she had two kids just very young, a newly wed…she was so pretty and youthful!  I have a photo from a thirteen day vacation that she and I went on all alone in 1989, it brings back so many sweet memories.  I don’t even need any of the other photos to remember all the great moments we shared. I miss my mom so much at times it feels like more sadness than anyone should experience, but it passes and I feel a calmness come over me.  That calmness is the love of God covering me from my inside out!  I would like to be able to say that I always put my trust in God, I don’t but I wish I did but my weakness does not win, God’s grace and love forgive me and welcome me back.  My grief will continue and I’m beginning to understand my relationship with it, it’s like having an invisible companion as I maneuver my way through life.  As silly as it might sound grief has taught me the significance of life and to appreciate all experiences, the good, the sad and the painful.  Not long ago I was so scared and fearful of “grief” I did not want to understand it, let alone be engulfed by it.  I believe that grief entered my life at the precise time I was ready to grow spiritually and emotionally, all in God’s amazing timing.  Three years prior to losing my mom, I had already experienced the loss of my beloved, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, no longer wanted the same.  I had just really begun to learn to accept these facts, when my mom passed.  I am a better person because of these two painful events.  I can rest assured that my mom is no longer feeling all the ailments from her body, she no longer has to work twelve-hour shifts, she is being cared for by God, while she was here she never pampered herself, always put others before herself and always helped when and wherever the need was, she cherished family and taught me some very valuable traits and family traditions. I still love my beloved and although our relationship is different now love remains.  I no longer view grief as my enemy, we have a more balanced relationship of give and take, the loss remains but the sharpness of death is smoothed; the loss of a love means I was loved and will again; although, neither can be erased or dulled…grief helps to bring things into perspective, give meaning to our lives.  My advice to anyone grieving please do not fear it, embrace it, learn from it…it will not be easy, but the rewards will be life changing. One of my favorite authors is C.S.Lewis and I would like to share a quote with you, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

Imagination…what images flash in your mind when this word is heard, spoken or read?  The truth is our thoughts cannot be measured accurately.  I am amazed daily at the power of our thoughts, personally I have had people tell me that our minds, thoughts and imagination can take us wherever we want to go.  Similarity to the book, “The Secret” the power of positive thinking!  Something for me which is more important is trusting God and seeking to be positive in my words, actions and even my thoughts.  I do admit some days are easier than others.  If we focus on the things in our lives that bring joy, happiness, hope and peace…you will experience these things.  I prefer to be in that “state” of thought but let’s face it , we are all human and it can be just as easy to turn our thoughts to negativity.  My faith and belief in God is central to who I am and I am in no way minimizing that when I say, Disney!  The happiest place on earth for me is DisneyWorld, I have such fond memories from my many trips with family and friends.  This past summer I was reminded of Disney while walking into work, I remember the day, just an ordinary day that caused a rush of memories, as I walk into the ground transportation building as the automatic doors opened and because of the extreme heat the air conditioning fans pushed cool air on me as I walked through the doorway.  If you’ve ever been to Disney on a hot day, the same scenario happens while entering buildings.  When I felt that cool air and heard the fans engaging I was  immediately transformed mentally to being at DisneyWorld!  I am in awe of the simplistic and yet the complexities of my existence by my Creator!! I find myself experiencing other like feeling when I visit my dad, memories of my childhood and of my mother quickly fill my very being, some happy while others cause much sadness wishing at times that if I could have had my mom still here.  I guess what I’m trying to say, I know…I haven’t been very clear; is we all have the ability to choose our thoughts and passions whether they be positive or negative, honestly I think both can be beneficial if dealt in moderation.  One word of caution, it can be freeing to allow our imaginations to play out in our minds but be careful to not allow the lines of reality and fantasy to become blurred.  Sometimes I require a healthy dose of reality and truth so that I do not set myself up for disappointment when my thoughts are swayed towards things that can never be.  Like rekindling a lost love, I have to remind myself that it could never be as it once was, we are both very different now, what remains is pure love and concern for one another and we have beautiful memories.  Reliving the past, seeing life through kinder eyes give me perspective and acceptance.  I am reminded that God created me and you with a purpose.  I will never be a nobody and neither are you…we belong to God, we are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, aunt, cousins, grandparents…you are never alone, we are significant and special children in the family of  God, Almighty! Amen!

~Blessings and Peace~

Psalms 63:1(NIV)  You God, are my God. Earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you. My whole being longs for you.  In a dry and parched land. Where there is no water.”