What Grief Gave Me

Have you ever been instantly overcome with so many emotions your only response is tears flowing over your cheeks?  I am living the truth that one never truly ever gets over grief, it’s a “process” I’m told.  I can also add that it can be unpredictable and definitely does not follow a neat and tidy protocol from easy through difficult to healed! I am finding that these same memories can appear most anywhere at anytime, from a familiar smell, a place, or in the busy and quietness of the day.  I have placed “controlled” memories around my home, a favorite picture of my mom holding me when I was only about two.  Seeing her arms wrapped around me warms me from the inside out.  I have a photo of my mom before she had two kids just very young, a newly wed…she was so pretty and youthful!  I have a photo from a thirteen day vacation that she and I went on all alone in 1989, it brings back so many sweet memories.  I don’t even need any of the other photos to remember all the great moments we shared. I miss my mom so much at times it feels like more sadness than anyone should experience, but it passes and I feel a calmness come over me.  That calmness is the love of God covering me from my inside out!  I would like to be able to say that I always put my trust in God, I don’t but I wish I did but my weakness does not win, God’s grace and love forgive me and welcome me back.  My grief will continue and I’m beginning to understand my relationship with it, it’s like having an invisible companion as I maneuver my way through life.  As silly as it might sound grief has taught me the significance of life and to appreciate all experiences, the good, the sad and the painful.  Not long ago I was so scared and fearful of “grief” I did not want to understand it, let alone be engulfed by it.  I believe that grief entered my life at the precise time I was ready to grow spiritually and emotionally, all in God’s amazing timing.  Three years prior to losing my mom, I had already experienced the loss of my beloved, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, no longer wanted the same.  I had just really begun to learn to accept these facts, when my mom passed.  I am a better person because of these two painful events.  I can rest assured that my mom is no longer feeling all the ailments from her body, she no longer has to work twelve-hour shifts, she is being cared for by God, while she was here she never pampered herself, always put others before herself and always helped when and wherever the need was, she cherished family and taught me some very valuable traits and family traditions. I still love my beloved and although our relationship is different now love remains.  I no longer view grief as my enemy, we have a more balanced relationship of give and take, the loss remains but the sharpness of death is smoothed; the loss of a love means I was loved and will again; although, neither can be erased or dulled…grief helps to bring things into perspective, give meaning to our lives.  My advice to anyone grieving please do not fear it, embrace it, learn from it…it will not be easy, but the rewards will be life changing. One of my favorite authors is C.S.Lewis and I would like to share a quote with you, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”