Adult on the Outside, Child on the Inside

“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12 (NIV)

When I was a kid I can remember thinking, “what will I be like when I’m old?”  I still feel like a kid inside, although many outside appearance show signs of aging. Most significant is I will always be a grandchild to my grandparents and the daughter to my parents and the older sister to my brother.  Family has always been the center of what our values and convictions about life have come from.  I understand the “Circle of Life” and the “Season’s in Life,” but nothing truly prepares a child for the death of a parent.  Possessing the truths of reality is easier when it’s not the loss of your own parent.  My mom shared several conversations with me in the event of her passing and although I listened to her instructions I never seriously thought I would ever have to actually follow through on any of her wishes.  It’s been a year and eight months since her passing and I miss her every single day.   There are times when I wonder if she would be pleased and proud of me, my insecurities rising to the surface but in my heart I know she loved me and wanted nothing but happiness for me, my brother and dad.  Today, I went with my dad to a doctor’s appointment to discuss recent test results and talk about his overall health and concerns.  I heard words today that bubbled up feelings of fear and peace into my very being, my father said he was ready to go, he is not afraid of dying and doesn’t want to be taken care of or be a burden to anyone. Fear is having to say goodbye and go through all the stages of grief again, they will likely be similar but also altogether different. Peace is knowing he is going to Heaven, he will forever be in the presence of God and the Angels.  My dad is such a gentle man, caring and sharing with anyone in need.  He is strong and meek, loyal and faithful.  I am reminded and perhaps gained some maturity through the years that he probably has felt and is now feeling some if not the very thoughts and feelings I am experiencing.  He was also a grandchild, a child and a brother. He most likely has felt abandoned or cheated because he lost his dad at a much younger age than I am right now, he solely cared for his mother for several years and never complained once.  That’s what families do, we care for one another no matter the cost of time, talents and money if available.  I was at a loss consoling my father today, I felt inadequate to be supportive because I wanted to be consoled but God provided the words and actions needed for the moment. My God, our God is an amazing God! ~Blessings and Peace~