Once a month I travel back to a place and time, that is recent yet so long ago. In this place, I see remnants of what used to be…the good and the not-so-good, the honest and the not-so-honest, with relations divided by race, gender, and religion. The thing is, back in this place where progress seems to move slower than time, I see goodness, I see God…He’s in the grass, He’s in the trees, and He’s in the people. There’s bond between neighbors and family, people are connected and their lives are intertwined in ways that I have only experienced in that time and that space. These pockets of time and space are most likely not limited to just my personal experiences; however, they do seem to be rare. Each month as the time approaches when I journey back once again, it is met with some hesitation as I force myself to return to places of great sorrow and of complicated growing pains. My journey takes me back to emotions of my youth feeling awkward as a teenager and often never really feeling like I fit in. I don’t think that God orchestrated a series of bad or unpleasant circumstances to happen in my life for pain or strife; its was for my growth and preparation of things to come. God has blessed me with many opportunities for me to experience great joy and enormous pain, pain at a depth I surely thought would at times consume me. There are secret pains that drift in and out like a summer’s early morning dew. These things remain hidden, draped in misguided shame and guilt. There are times traveling back to where these secrets and scars were formed, all I want to do is retreat back to the life, I now live. Even amid the shadows of my life experiences, I feel freer today than I have ever in my entire life. I am not sure of how or when or if I will ever make complete sense of the experiences of my youth and my life thus far. What I do know for sure is that if this is the road that I must journey that God has set before me, then I pray for His constant companionship and for the comfort of His spirit, as I persevere. So many people in this world suffer daily because of secrets, because of bullying, and because of shame. These behaviors remain prevalent today because of fear! People are afraid to trust and let someone in, there is almost always a price for sharing ones stories. For anyone who has ever been sworn to secrecy, I can honestly say, it’s a very lonely place to be and an outrageous and unfair responsibility. These exploiters of trust, they demand secrecy and do so by building false securities with individuals that are trusting and perhaps even naive, who easily believe in the goodness of others and who are quick to easily trust people as they appear. They actively seem to be interested in us as people and potential friends…SNAP! “Hook, Line and Sinker!” So many of us fall for the false pretense of friendship and we find ourselves stuck right in the middle of a “secret.” A falsehood. “Hoodwinked!” To this day, if I were to meet one of my ” so-called “friends (exploiters)” I am not sure how or even if I would confront them. Partly due to the misguided information and self-imposed guilt and shame, this reluctance has more to do with me, the person I have become and recognizing that holding a grudge only keeps me from joy and me from living. God has done so much for me and I know in my heart to put my trust in Him, knowing He only wants goodness for me. I admit, this is at times difficult, always true but difficult nonetheless. There are so many who suffer in silence everyday, these individuals are afraid to open the slightest crack into their lives and let someone in because it would mean that someone else might learn of their secrets, their faults, their insecurities, their fears…you see that’s the thing about secrets, the harder we try to contain it, the stronger the hold it has on our lives. People who place demands upon relationships that require secrecy are rarely done for our protection but for theirs. Those demands are not based upon shared trust, they are created from a place of power and control. These people live by a different standard with different rules they are what black holes are to space, they pretend to love us, they pretend to be our friends and in the end we are merely a means to their end. God has given me a perspective that for many years either I ignored or was too scared to trust God but I can see now the crossroad, this crossroad to continue living in darkness, shame and misguided truths or turning towards God where the path may not always be as smooth as I would like; however, it will always be truthful and filled with light. These roads are often filled with boulders, stones, pebbles and ruts, all designed to mold us into in the spiritual beings God created us to be. Crossroads are decisions, pivotal moments in our lives. We look in one direction and see…wow this is going to be a luxurious trip, I can walk, I can skip, I can run, I can rest and or just relax because it’s beauty filled with sunny, green grass and a babbling brook. Got the visual? Okay, now to view the other option, you know the rocks, pebbles and ruts…hardships. God tells us upfront, it won’t be easy but you will never be alone, NOT ever. We are reminded by scripture that we are not meant to remain on this earth forever, we are destined for a new heaven and a new earth where we will be in constant jubilation with all the saints and believers. To some this may sound very much like a fairytale and maybe that’s why most of us connect with fairy tales, with their happily ever after’s. After all, that’s precisely what God wants for us, He wants to not merely give us happily ever after, He wants to BE our happily ever after, forever!

References:
“Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” ~C.S.Lewis

Luke 8:17 “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”

Revelation 21:1-4 “Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

John 8:12
“Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Matthew 7:13-14
“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

John 16:33                                                 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Vulcan Salute, “Live long and prosper.” followed with “Peace and long life.”

Without having a wider view or a caption telling us why the fish seems to be jumping out of the bowl, we are left with our imaginations. Have you ever been fishing and when the fish is out of the water, they seem to just flip and flop on the ground as if they need something…They do! Fish need water, like we need oxygen. It’s a terrifying feeling when you can’t catch you breath, as a fish is to water, oxygen is to humans. So, this past weekend I had planned a day of laughter and storytelling with an old friend, sharing a meal and taking in a play at the Indiana Repertory Theater in Indianapolis. Unfortunately, she had to cancel and for good reasons. I am not upset about the cancelling, in fact I’m not upset at all. Disappointed but again, things happen and I’m a firm believer in “God’s” plans in “God’s” time. So, after getting the news of cancellation, I was encouraged by someone close to me, to still go and attend the play as planned. I gotta say…being downtown alone, felt very much like a fish out of water. Sometimes I don’t think my friends realize just how much of a challenge it is for me to do certain things. I understand and know it’s all about learning, growing and experiencing new things. I arrived downtown about two hours before the show was to start. I sat in my car in the parking garage for what seemed like an hour but was closer to 15 minutes. So I get out of the car, look around so I could remember where I parked and then I made my way down to street level. The city was buzzing with lots of people.  Being downtown was both exciting and terrifying. There were a lots of things going on downtown…High School Proms, Firefighter convention, Pacers game…It’s alive and captivating, seeing and hearing the laughter and conversations happening around me was electric. I was surrounded by so many different people and I felt invisible, this was until I experience eye-contact with someone and then I realize I’m not invisible but wished I were. Even though I had no particular reason to look my best, dress better than I normally do, I still wore the new “girl” jeans I purchased at the pleading and begging of a friend, this same friend suggested wearing my hair straight versus the usual messy look which I prefer. We all have beauty and purpose, I’m still learning to appreciate the things I am versus the things I am not. I made my way to the lobby of the IRT, sitting in the outer lounge area waiting for an appropriate time to pick up my tickets at the “Will Call” box office. At about 30 minutes before the play would start I made my way to the counter to pick up my tickets. I over-hear the lady in front of me asking/wanting to buy a ticket, I interrupted their conversation and ask, are you buying a ticket just for yourself? She responded, yes. I said, I have an extra ticket if you would like to have it. She replied yes, “are you sure?” I said absolutely, so I gave it to her and she ask if she should pay me for it? I said no, the only down side to a free ticket means you will be stuck sitting next to me. I made my way to the elevator while she looked around the lobby area. I know she probably told me her name, but in the rush of giving her the ticket, the name did not grab hold of my short-term memory. I proceeded to the seating area only after stopping to purchase a beverage…liquid courage, at least that’s the name given to it sometimes in situations such as this, sitting next to a total stranger. My drink was a Corona Light with a squeeze of a chuck of a lime. There were still a few minutes before show time when the lady I had given the ticket to arrived. I had not mentioned to her earlier that the ticket was for the front row. We quickly starting talking, here’s where I paused and ask her name…she said, Catherine. She was from San Francisco. It was such pleasure to meet her. The play was amazing, and I met someone new. In a very short span of time we exchanged the usual pleasantries and a few more personal things such as family and interests. We may never meet again, but I hope she will see this entry, as I mentioned to her that I was a writer and I was going to be writing about my night at the IRT and meeting her. Catherine, with a “C” it was a delight to meet you and to share in conversation with you. I hope Indianapolis treated you well! Wishing you and your family much joy, health and happiness. May God bless you and your family! I would love to someday visit your city, San Francisco. The overall experience of doing things outside my comfort level proved to be a success. I am so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. To my followers, thank you! This journey of sharing my thoughts with you is incredible. May God continue to bless each and every one of you.
~Peace and Blessings~

“All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin.” ~Lord Byron

In honor of San Francisco…and Catherine from San Francisco!

 

 

 

A great fish story…

 

A whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, dreams, plans, wishes, and desires, all have my head spinning like a top. Urging and pleading them to stop and at the same time begging and pleading them to stay. True life, the life I sometimes wish for, the one not so ordinary, the one that opens itself up to the depths, heights and fiery flames of raw passion.  Daily, the media sells passion and fierceness as taboo and dirty. Passion is marketed as perverse, it is dark and dirty and being sold, day after day through film, TV, magazines…the too good to be true, which is all too often the case. Wanting to chase the hunger of lust and ecstasy of desire that was formed within me since long before I came into being. Seeds, that were sown within the fabric and essence of who I am, both good and perhaps the not so good but then again, not all that bad either. There’s a familiar voice that tells me to deny these truths, it often keeps me awake at night! I struggle over the “what if’s” and the “letting go!” Giving myself permission and allow myself to fully and completely submerge myself into experiencing the things I am often too scared and ashamed to give credence and voice to. As, if I alone have these feelings and urges, truths I now know to “not” be so true. These kinds of feelings are not wrong or shameful and should absolutely not make me weird or odd, or freakishy…I have believed the lies I have been fed for most of my life, I was convinced, and lead to believe that normal for me, was and is abnormal. What does that even mean. Normal or abnormal?  This is how I see myself…walking while holding hands, feeling light as air, picnics by the lake, campfires, butterflies in my stomach, laying on the ground at night watching the stars, talking until dawn, laughing, tender and loving, hugging and holding, twisted and tangled, twirling and grinning and yes, blushing, kissing and caressing, skin to skin and soul to soul. There are lots of things I am not, and there are lots of things that I am.

~”The Secret Lies with Charlotte”

 

 

Fun Facts
Charlotte was an English merchant ship of 335 tons built-in the River Thames in 1784 and chartered in 1786 to carry convicts as part of the First Fleet to New South Wales. She was a light sailer, and had to be towed down the English Channel for the first few days of the voyage. Her master was Thomas Gilbert, and her surgeon was John White, principal surgeon to the colony. She returned to Britain from Botany Bay via China, where she picked up a cargo for the British East India Company. Charlotte then spent most of the rest of her career in the London-Jamaica trade. She may have been lost off Newfoundland in 1818; in any case, she disappears from the lists by 1821.

Ok, total random act (which) is usually not me…I’m sitting in my car at the CVS at Saratoga Pkwy/US 40. A vehicle parks next to me and it appears to be a grandmother and grand-daughter in the vehicle, I overhear their conversation and the grandmother is asking the grand-daughter to go in with her, the grand-daughter replies, no…I look like (paraphrased as the exact word escapes me at the moment)…I look bad. The grandmother gets out and a few seconds later, the grand-daughter gets out and goes in with the grandmother. This action gave me pause and a sense of pride in today’s youth. So when, they returned to their vehicle and I paused for a moment again and the urge to get out of my car and approach them was too overwhelming not to get out of my car. I cautiously approached and ask if I could ask a question. A slight pause and the grandmother is yes, I ask “are you related to one another?” They both responded “yes” grandmother/grand-daughter…I said that this probably seems weird but I am overjoyed at your actions of going in with your grandmother, it showed great respect and honor. I went on to say that a lot of kids grow up not knowing grandparents and that I was blessed to have not only known my grandparents but also my great-grandparents. Then I thanked them and walked away. It was as if I floated back to my car…it’s a ” God” thing and I am overjoyed! Planting seeds in God’s garden is everyone’s responsibility in the family of God! Thanks for reading this long story, May God Bless and Keep You!
~Charlotte

When you were a child, I loved you
And I you are my son, my daughter

The more I supported you and encouraged you, the further you wanted to be away from me, you chased after others while eagerly running away from me.

I was the one who taught you to walk and run, to be all that you could be, I held you in my arms, but you do not come to me even knowing I have healed your bumps and bruises, and that I fed you and encouraged you.

My heart aches within me
My love for you is warm and tender.

Now read Hosea 11:1-4, 8

Hosea 11:1-4, 8

When Israel was a child, I loved him,and out of Egypt I called my son. The more I called them,the further they went from me; they kept sacrificing to the Baals, and they burned incense to idols. Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up in my arms, but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with bands of human kindness, with cords of love.  I treated them like those who lift infants to their cheeks; I bent down to them and fed them. How can I give you up, Ephraim?  How can I hand you over, Israel?  How can I make you like Admah?  How can I treat you like Zeboiim?  My heart winces within me;my compassion grows warm and tender.

We need to recognize. we are all created for God’s purposes, not our own. Even the unbelievers are created with purpose, this purpose is not ours to define or dissect.

Courage…what might be courageous for one, may not be for another…it is not a contest, stop judging and comparing one against another.

I miss lazy days spent with my mom, like when I was a kid. Most especially in the winter and we would watch funny movies on TV, or going to the local video rental store to rent VHS tapes and the VCR because we didn’t have one at home. Other occasions we would attempt to put a 1000 piece puzzle together, mom was really good at puzzles! We would make popcorn and caramel corn (mom’s favorite). Often times, my aunt Helen and my cousin Teresa would come to our house to visit…we would laugh and giggle together doing nothing or playing games. We would play gin rummy, board games like monopoly, sorry, sequence, pick up sticks, even Lego’s and Lincoln logs…no matter where we were or what we were doing love was always present. As I am sitting here writing this I can close my eyes and feelings surround me and I can almost feel a gentle hug envelop me, it’s a warm feeling from head to toe. This all reminds me of the power of God, the intricate make up of the human body and its massive abilities. God gave us minds with endless possibilities for memories and one such powerful memory is that our loved ones could always be with us, always only a thought away…the power of the mind and the beauty of creation by a God who loves us beyond measure and is incomprehensible. Unfortunately, God does not always get our best in return for all His goodness and love that He freely gives to us. It is only because of God’s grace and mercy, we can be renewed daily and be forgiven our sins because of His great sacrifice on the cross, He paid the price in full for all our sins, we are forgiven and are made new, simply by seeking and asking God for His forgiveness and it shall be! I have a friend who uses the phrase, “my/our/their eyes were opened” meaning God has opened/allowed the eyes, heart and spirit to see/understand. Although my friend and I may differ on some aspects of how we get to God, the most important thing is, we agree that God is the creator of all things and without God there would be nothingness. We believe in God, the Father; Christ Jesus, the Son of God and the Holy Spirit! I am blessed to have this unnamed friend in my life. He has blessed me in more ways than I can even begin to count.  I am currently at a point in my life where things are becoming more defined and clearer than ever before. About three years ago I participated in “My One Word,” maybe you’ve heard of it(?). My word was “clarity.” I wanted God to give me clarity, perspective…basically the “answers.” I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “hind sight is 20/20?” Looking back, God was and is my constant teacher, I was just not seeing it…my eyes had not been opened. They were closed and I was in the dark, stumbling to and fro. I’m learning so many wonderful things about myself and the people with whom I’m sharing life and friendships with. The things I thought were so important somehow have lost their appeal, I guess as I get older practicality wins out over flashy and new. I look back at my childhood and I would not trade it for anything, not because it was perfect or only filled with good things…those things don’t exist! I’m glad I had disappointments, mistakes and I’m equally overjoyed to have been good at lots of things and rewarded and praised for my achievements. The funny thing is I have lots of pictures capturing those special and significant moments of me growing up, pictures of life’s suspended moments in time, but I don’t break out the photograph albums very often because I can see them in my thoughts, my eyes have been “opened” to the fullness of those moments and the beautiful thing is…I always have them with me. God is opening my eyes to the awesome childhood I had, to the parents I have and all those wonderful people who made a significant difference in my life and never know it while they we here on earth. God continues to open my eyes to experiences I don’t understand and why some things happened and why some things did not! I’m learning that the unpleasant and hurtful things I’ve experienced, all happened for a reason, God uses situations that we don’t understand at the time, to teach us of the power of God and of His everlasting love! I am beginning to find clarity, learning to process things that happened and did not know why. I must also be accepting of the answers I am so feverishly pursuing. So, I’m not perfect…none of us are, I have spent too much time trying to be perfect, not realizing  that it is impossible! I was busy trying to find things for myself, I put off spending time with my parents. We all go through that cycle I think, you know when we are too cool to be seen hanging out with the family! It can all be gone is a flash! I now call home more often, I say I love you more often, I visit more often and I miss you always (mom).  Don’t wait until holidays to share your love and appreciate to those you love…everyday is an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life! I personally like to greet people, mostly strangers with a smile, and a hello! Be a blessing to someone today!

~Blessings and Peace~

Have you ever felt nothing and everything all at the same time? Have you ever been so bored that nothing and nobody could cause a change? I would like to tell you I’ve found the answers for these things, sadly I have not. I heard a song by Citizen Way called “When I’m with You” for the first time today just minutes before turning the radio off in my car. The first few lines grab my attention and I immediately I felt a connection.

These are the things that I need to pray
Because I can’t find peace any other way
I’m a mess underneath and I’m just too scared to show it

Everything’s not fine
And I’m not okay
But it’s nice to know
I can come this way

These words captivated me and I felt as if it were being sung just for me. I found myself identifying with the lyrics, there was part of me that just wanted to turn the radio off yet, there was an overwhelming sensation of urgency telling me that needed to hear the words to the entire song. The past few weeks have been extremely emotional for me, I have gained some clarity surrounding the words love, friendship and relationship. These three words are used every single day of our lives in some form or fashion and often they mean very different things to each of us. I would also like to mention that we rarely recognize the people in our lives that exemplifies the beauty and compassion woven into the fabric of our lives through love, friendships and relationships. I am certain some of us will agree upon the dictionary definitions of love, friendship and relationships; but for me, just reading or hearing the words that describe them leaves me feeling brutally cold, feverishly lost and utterly abandoned. The act of giving and receiving love will in most cases be a reflection of what we learned and observed at a very young age. So we watch people who say they love…this or that; we imagine love, we participate in actions of love and ultimately it is my hope that everyone can be on the receiving end of love. The same process can be used while experiencing love, friendship and relationship. It will look and feel drastically different to everyone to a significant degree based upon our authenticity, our cultural practices and our religious beliefs. As humans, we are complicated! Very complicated! I mentioned at the beginning I that I did not have the answers, that is partially correct. If you continue listening to the song or read the lyrics the answer is quite simple….JESUS!

When I’m with You
I feel the real me finally breaking through
It’s all because of You, Jesus
Anytime, anywhere, any heartache
I’m never too much for You to take
There’s only love
There’s only grace
When I’m with You

Nobody knows me like You do
No need for walls, You see right through
Every hurt, every scar, every secret… You just love me

I’m breathing in
I’m innocent
It’s like my heart’s on fire again
I’m not afraid
I’m not ashamed
I’m safe when I am with You

So I’m here just as I am
Bruised or broken
I don’t have to pretend

As humans we all fall short, we are sinful. I can promise only 1 thing with certainty…God loves you and will never leave you. Trust Jesus!

Deuteronomy 31:6, Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; “He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:8, The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Joshua 1:5, No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

1Kings 8:57, “May the LORD our God be with us as he was with our fathers; may He never leave us nor forsake us.”

1Chronicles 28:20, David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you.He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.”

Psalms 37:28, For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones. “They will be protected forever,but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;”

Psalms 94:14 “For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.”

Isaiah 41:17 “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.”

Isaiah 42:16 “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

We may leave God, but He will never leave us!

~Blessings and Peace~

Love:
: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
: attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship
: a person you love in a romantic way

Friendship:
: the state of being friends : the relationship between friends
: a friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone

Relationship:
: the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other
: a romantic or sexual friendship between two people
: the way in which two or more people or things are connected

That song has been one of my all-time favorite songs since I was a child. I remember singing it at church and at vacation bible school. It is such a powerful song, it’s one you can whisper or shout out with passion. Music is very powerful and it can help or hinder a person and their faith. I know God loves me and cares for me, it is I, who doubts and blames. God has this beautiful way of helping His children understand the world and our place and purpose within His world. I have learned to seek God’s will but I am also very human and I have sadly been disobedient, I’m sharing this life lesson in hopes of helping not just myself but others too. You may even recognize some of my actions maybe even reflect them. About nine months ago I embarked upon a journey and an experiment called “guided imagery.” Although, the experiment is clearly defined as imagery, I am a visual learner and had to improvise. I took a few words and placed them into a glass bottle with a lid. The words lost power over me once they were locked inside. The words I chose were (FEAR and PERFECTION). Fear in the sense that I was/am afraid to try new things because if I screw up someone will laugh and make fun of me. I am extremely fearful of anything I’ve never tried before. I am not fearful of everything, I am confident of a lot of things. I am not afraid of failure if I am skilled in the attempt…I’ve lost a lot even with skills and I simply pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. So, that’s the short story version of fear. Now there’s (PERFECTION)…let me clarify, perfection is not being perfect, that’s what I tell myself. I think one can strive for perfection, falling short of that is okay…keep striving and adding to ones skill set. I have a tendency to set unrealistic goals for myself, I even place unrealistic expectations upon my friends, family and coworkers. The writings I’ve included below were written a few years ago. I have found myself thinking about relationships (friendships and romantic one). Have you ever experienced the “deer in the headlight” moment? Or a moment in which you were completely taken by surprise with something and you simply freeze? We all handle these situations vastly different. Do you have a “go to” plan when these kind of things happen to you? I most definitely do and it’s worked for me most of my life for two separate reasons. Reason one, I close up and walk away. No resolve, no looking back. I would like to add, this method it not a healthy choice. Reason two, I fill up on anger, I feel as if everyone is looking at me and all I want to do is disappear. My chest becomes weighed down, I feel my blood racing through the veins and arteries in my neck. I hold my breath and fight back tears not wanting to give in because it is weakness. As I sit or stand thoughts of punishing myself and telling myself I am not worthy, fill my thoughts completely. So, I’m sure you have figured out that the two choices I listed neither are good ones. I never said they were, only that they have been my “go to” choices. Recently, I received a message from a friend questioning my actions…the question, innocent enough just a question. True, but what I heard was this…”What were you thinking? Why would you do such a thing? Don’t you know better? Can’t you follow directions? What is wrong with you? After each imagined phrase I felt myself shrinking, as if someone were standing in front of me and pointing, accusing and each word weighing more than the previous one until I am the smallest thing in the room, and yet I’m still there because to make me disappear would stop my existence and sport of belittling me to the edge of nothingness. My instinct was to shut down and walk away…but that’s not what my heart wanted. Staying in the present meant work, work to figure out the why’s and answer difficult questions. As I stated earlier the song “Blessed Assurance” is a favorite and when I heard a new song very similar called, “This is my Story” it instantly became a favorite. These two songs are a full circle for me. The fact that my friend wouldn’t just let me go, the fact that I didn’t want to give up has led me to where I am today. A lesson I’m learning is this, words only have power over us when we allow them permission. This is an opportunity to tell my story, recognize that my story isn’t over and I do not have to continue doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. I am worth giving another chance; I am not perfect and God never requested perfection only obedience. Jesus loves you, not your car, your home, your job…He loves you! Simply you, He’s got an amazing plan for your life. Join me in being the child that God created and created with a purpose and plan.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s body I chose you.Before you were born I set you apart to serve me.” ~Jeremiah 1:5
There Once was a Girl

There once was a girl, she cared a lot and gave a lot
There once was girl who fell in love, she loved a lot and gave a lot
There once was a girl who lost her love, she cried a lot and hurt a lot.
She tried and tried to move beyond the pain and the hurt.
There was once a girl, filled with wonder and cheer
There once was a girl she gave her heart away
There was once a girl, she had her heart returned and it hurt a lot
She cried and cried and tried to forget
She tried and tried to move beyond the pain, beyond the hurt
There was once a girl, she cared a lot, gave a lot, loved a lot …lost a lot

-C.A.Robinson
August, 18, 2010
1230

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
~Jeremiah 17:9-10

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” ~John 14:1

“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.” ~Proverbs 21:2
Being my own worst enemy

Never giving others the first opportunity to cut me down

Wanting to be a part of someone else life

Loneliness surrounds me, taking my breath away –

Choking me on the stagnant air that encompasses my mere existence

I feel trapped in my own skin covered with an impenetrable shield of self-preservation

Aching to be free from myself, afraid of happiness

Fearful to open doors just to have them slammed closed

My measure of worth in the hands of each person I encounter

I want to bleed to feel relief so much hidden inside nowhere to escape

Tears hidden in the dark, smiles mask the torment lurking beneath the surface

Wanting freedom, frighten of self, mirror reflections – a stranger but familiar

Vague memory of who I was or is it? Have I ever really known?

My Identity, as if it were as easy as looking at a map or following step by step instructions.

~C.A.Robinson

“The Lord appeared to us in the past. He said, “I have loved you with a love that lasts forever.  I have kept on loving you with a kindness that never fails.” ~Jeremiah 31:3