Selfless, Selfish…Finding Balance

Hello Friends~

I wanted to share with you some thoughts about change. The past week has been challenging for me in many respects and I have found myself wanting to share but having difficulty finding a way to express myself. It is not necessarily a lack of words, as my mind and thoughts have felt like a tornado of letters twirling around inside my head. The movie “Twister” comes to mind! My father has been experiencing a lot of medical issues recently and has been in two different hospitals just within the past seven days.

Selfishly, I think of myself…as my schedule has changed, I’ve slept in hospital chairs, taken time off of work and been away from my home and personal space. I am thankful for the ability to take time off work, thankful for coworkers covering my shifts and sick days to cover my leave. I thankful to be close to my family and honored to be able to care for my dad in his vulnerable condition. I’m thankful for my brother who has also sacrificed duties and responsibilities to be with dad and me. I’m blessed with family and friends who have lifted my family in prayer and have maintained contact through emails and text messages, I’m overwhelmed by the love and support.

When it comes to family, there’s an area I find quite troublesome, “parenting.” I am experienced in the child to adult relationship but from adult to child, I have no real practical experience. I know what it’s like to be a daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin but not mom. The fact finding process I conducted on myself tells me God knew exactly what he was doing in not making me a parent/mom. After this past week, I now understand the “No” answer to my prayers when I tried very hard to conceive back in 2008-2009, I’m clearly not equipped now and certainly would not have been then either. I’m not upset or bitter about it, it has all worked out for the best. My life is definitely in a much different place and space now. No regrets regarding the past, it is that past that paved the road to where I am now. I image caring for an parent as they age is kind of a role reversal of sorts, i am now caring for my dad as he has always cared for me. I could never repay all the things my parents have done for me and continue to do for me. My parents have molded me into the person I am today. I’m doing the best that I know how and ironically I’m sure that’s exactly what my parents would have said when they started their life journey together that included two children and two grandkids. I’m struggling with whether I’m making the right decisions, am I too direct, and I too stern…lots of doubts and questions, just wanting to do the right things in the best way possible. God is the only one who truly knows what’s best for us and even when we try to take life into our own hands and try to create our own destiny, God never leaves us and is always with us, especially during those times when we yank the steering wheel from God’s guiding hands.

I hope you are able to glean some morsels of encouragement from this post, God’s words-not mine. God Bless you and I thank you for your support this space!

Some days I am swollen with 
possibility, a ripe peach, 
fingers sticky with sweetness, 
while others I am hollowed out, 
a bone scraped clean

  — Christine Valters Paintner, PhD, excerpted from “Pendulum” in Dreaming of Stones: Poems

Life can be both good and challenging, filled with highs and lows, mountain tops and lowly valleys. Life is a series of seasons, similar to the weather season we experience every year.

“There seems to always be a guarantee in life that change will happen. Change is something we tend to fear and become anxious about because we do not feel in control of life. The good news is that God has a plan for your life…to hope, for a future, and to prosper. If we trust in God and allow the change to grow within us, to become more like Jesus Christ in how we respond and act, then we are promised that all things will work together for good for those who love Him and keep His commandments!

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” ~Hebrews 13:8

“God is not a human being, that he should lie, or a mortal, that he should change his mind. Has he promised, and will he not do it? Has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” ~Numbers 23:19

Change feels like it impedes upon our sense of independence and makes us feel like we have lost control over our own lives. Our sense of self-determination is often the first thing to go when we are faced with the potential of change occurring in our lives and even more so when it comes from someone else. 



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