I’m More Than Your Assumptions

Today, I’ve sort of barricaded my self within the confines of my home. I am surrounded with luxuries many don’t have such as running water, food, clothing, shelter, electricity, books and paper…I share this not to brag but to thank God for His abundant blessings. I am not worthy of any of these things, only by the grace of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Today I find myself neither having feelings of encouragement or discouragement. I am not satisfied nor unsatisfied just laying in bed, this is my safe zone. My protected area I can be and know that I’m surrounded with love, memories of family and friends and most significantly my God. This room is where I discover dreams and care for and allow my dreams space to grow in this my safe place. My bedroom/study area is the single most solitude place in my home. My home and most especially my bed are practically virgin(ness) once again. But I am not trying to dwell upon those things. Sleeping and resting are having an unusual effect upon me during the past few days perhaps a week, I often wake not refreshed but drained and exhausted. I know that I am experiencing a deeper level of sleep referred to as REM sleep, as I often dream and upon waking I try to remember as much as I can about my dreams. Most of my dreams frighten me and cause physical expressions such as screaming, thrashing the sheets and blankets and occasionally yelling out for help for specific people. Sometimes I’m afraid of my dreams and I keep them locked up inside, shoving them down as far as I can possibly push them. My small piece of the world seems to draw closer and closer day by day. My fears of people and things this earth can do to me are far more pleasant than what God can do to me. I’ve dreamed of Heaven since I was a child, I remember those stories and visions of streets paved in gold, with pure, crisp refreshing water flowing in streams for all to drink, resting on fluffy white clouds and the endless celebration of God’s final victory over sin and darkness. That’s where I want to be, I do not want to miss out because of my puffed up ego, my pride or my self-righteous indignation. I am not asking for the frontline, I only want to be called good and faithful servant. God, I am yours use me for your glory not mine, I know I have taken credit for things that were yours alone, forgive me, mend me complete me again. You gave me the gift of “empathy” and through your power and love I have been able to show others grief and loss as temporary, temporary in the sense that we learn to live with loss and find useful means for it in our daily lives. When I lost my mother I was 47 years old, age means absolutely nothing when you lose a parent. All I knew for sure was I would never again feel her embrace when I was sick or hurt, celebrating or mourning. I would never see the determination in her eyes and the hear the joy from her laughter. Today, sitting in my protected space at home, her voice is so far away even my memory has difficulty recalling it. It makes no difference to me what she meant to others because for all the many wonderful things she was, the best of all is, she’s my mom. I love her so much, I miss her so very much. And as I fight back the tears, I can faintly hear her say, “no tears please…I love you, this is your mother speaking….”

I Love You, Jesus
I Love You, Mom

~Blessings and Peace~

James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”