Scared

Scared

Scared (adjective): thrown into or being in a state of fear, fright, or panic.

I was ask, “what one word describes what I feel when I wake up?” WOW, that is a great question! I found myself wanting to say things like;  thankful, refreshed, energized but none of them quickly came to describe waking.  Scared, that’s my word. I have never enjoyed mornings as far back as I can remember, I was always difficult to wake up. I know I must have been a struggle to my parents, they both were early risers, my dad at 73 is up by 4am most days. My mom, was also up early everyday and to this day my younger brother is also an early bird. In so many ways I’m different than my whole family. I struggle with this truth, hard as I try, mornings are difficult for me. I’m even different when it comes to jobs, my mom, dad and brother all have or had jobs that require physical labor and long hours, I prefer an office preferably with A/C! My mom worked 2 jobs and sometimes 3 my whole life, my brother works 2 jobs and often on only a few hours of sleep, my dad is a SUPER-DAD, although he’s been disabled since I was kid he works hard at everything he does…he can cook anything, cleans, does laundry, grocery shops, does his own lawn care, changes his own oil and replaced the brakes on his cars. My brother can and does all these things too.  I can cook some, clean, shop and do laundry.  I never really understood the whole do it yourself maintenance. In the past my dad and brother have done routine maintenance on my vehicles but now I usually just take it somewhere to have it done. I don’t want to burden them with it plus, it’s just more convenient to have it done close to home. I realize I have really strayed from the topic, scared that’s what I was going to write about. I try extremely hard to hide my fears, I’m scared of being a disappoint to family and friends, I fear screwing up at work, I’m protective of heart I don’t want it to be broken.  Sometimes I feel like a drifter, I know and understand that life is about seasons and that often people come and go during our lifetime, but it always feels the same…what did I do or not do that keeps taking people away. I have learned the tighter the hold the quicker the release, but the same can be true for the freer, the quicker they leave as well. The one monumental fear, the thing that scares me the most is being a disappointing Christian .  I know that I am saved only because of the love of Jesus Christ through His love, grace and mercy and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to earn my salvation. Is it my humanness that discourages me? I most certainly want to stand before God and hear God say, “Well done.”  I’m  scared of myself and of my many faults. I recently wrote about “faith” and that it is an “action” word for me; sounds like I have an answer to my own question…it is my faith that will soothe my fears, Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”  I am reminded each day and continue to thank God for new experiences He provides, I am on a journey for clarity and purpose, seeking to relinquish my fears and scared issues over to God.

~Blessings and Peace~