Hello dear friends–
I’ve been spending time reading some of my writing from over the years and wanted to share some with you. My hope is that it might resonate with someone else and help promote healing and recognition of the power of God. Without God, I am nothing! As I read this particular writing and the corresponding date it was written, it reminded me of just how far God has brought me. I was still struggling with the loss of my mother and though I didn’t truly acknowledge it at the time, I needed to find myself and to figure out what I wanted in this life. I was still struggling with being alone after a nine year relationship and found it hard to let go and move forward. I caused myself a lot of frustration, directly due to my stubbornness. The other huge factor during all this was I kept God at a distance. Foolishly thinking I could handle life on my own. Through the years I have learned that God doesn’t make things just disappear from our lives, He walks with us through life and all it’s road bumps. He truly is a friend to sinners. I’m proud to call him friend, He’s my life Savior! The past few years have not always be easy or burden free but it has been so worth it, knowing that I am a stronger person, a more accepting person, a better human being, a more devoted and thankful Christian, trusting God with my life. And the best news of all, it’s all available to you as well. It makes no difference who you are or where you’re from…God loves you and wants to be your God! Trust Him!
A special thank you to my friends who stood by me through thick and thin; thank you for renewed friendship that I was sure I had ruined beyond repair due to my inability to be honest about myself years ago; thank you to a new friend that has become so special to me, you are my mentor, teacher, friend and spiritual guide and pure joy to share life experiences with; to friendships that have remained strong throughout my life with grace, patience and forgiveness, thank you. I’m tempted to list their names but I’m fearful I would miss someone and would feel awful for that.
A very special thank you to my church and church family. You have loved me unconditionally and I consider myself family to each and every one of you!
August 31, 2013 2:30 PM
“As I sit here typing letters to this page, forming words to describe the feelings I have pinned up in my head, my very soul is agitated, feelings are bouncing around in my head, is that supposed to happen? I’m angry but failing to understand why? When this day started I was focused and driven, by mid-afternoon I became a woman possessed…loud, negative and condescending, it was as if I lost total control of who I am. I did not recognize the person I became, a stranger in my body acting absurd and foolish. I believe I actual had a temper- tantrum, seriously at my age. Could all this anger come from being afraid? I’ve never been good at asking for help, always thinking someone will figure me out and just know what to do for me. Less accountability on myself…I’ve never been a mom but my mom could tell by the sound of my voice or simply my actions to know something was up…I miss my mom. I try to get what I need from my friends, but when they fail to recognize my needs, I implode like an old forgotten casino in Vegas, giving way to new neon lights…I melt like ice cream in late July! As if its someone else’s responsibility to magically know what I need! Oh God, I’m broken and I need help, help me find my missing pieces. Teach me to ask for what I need, show me the difference between making a request and begging & being burdensome, teach me how to accept the truth. I stand in shame of my actions, wishing I could take it all back but what is done, is done. Such finality of it all! Oh God of mercy I am utterly ashamed of my words and actions and though I am not worthy of your forgiveness, I seek your mercy and grace to be upon me as I close out this day and my I be reminded of your steadfast and unconditional love for me and that I will see others through eyes of mercy and grace even in my humanness, to God be the glory forever and ever! Amen.”
All praise and glory be to God! ~Amen