UPDATED/REVISED:
There’s something inside me that stirs up memories and awakens emotions deep within me that were buried a longtime ago, this seems to happen when I’m visiting my hometown, seeing the places where I grew up. I have a tug and tinge in my gut when surrounded by my past. It’s as if I’m disrespecting my heritage and my family’s values. I just don’t feel like I belong here in this space any longer. Family is important to me but it’s often over-shadowed by this role and expectation of care-giver and guardian that leaves a sickness in my bones. Often I feel as if I’m caught in two different worlds. One is a place where summer days are filled with lazy afternoons, apple pie, county fairs, nighttime summer strolls, wishing on a shooting star, anticipating that very first kiss, the simplistic and rewarding country lifestyle, then there’s this other world filled with hustle and bustle, fast cars, fast trucks, miles upon miles of concrete parkways and asphalt covered roads, a drug store on every other corner, shops and stores operating 24/7, people going here and there, never really noticing anyone or anything along the way. *Okay, I’m over simplifying and generalizing these experiences. Both of these worlds I described are filled with equal joys and struggles. With all my complaining and analyzing and justifying… Truthfully, I am ever so thankful God has blessed me with such diversity and richness of culture into my very existence. My mind as of late has been filled with memories of my mom, no particular reason, I just miss her! Thinking about hearing her voice and her laughter, makes me smile! My mom brought so much joy to the people who knew her and I have no doubt she is still making a different in their lives today, even though she been gone more than two years. I’m beginning to start “letting go” of the preconceived ideas of who “I” thought I was supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do. As awesome as I think my mom was, she never intended for me to be a carbon copy of her. She would have said something like…we all have to dream our own dreams and live our own lives. I admire the person my mom was and for the legacy and impact she has made on me and everyone she came in contact with. No matter what age we are, our hunger for learning and knowledge never needs to stop. I am trying to take all the goodness from my youth and mold it into the “best” me I can be. God has never given up on me, although I have often kept God at an arm’s length away. Praise God for His unending love, His grace and His forgiveness. I’m learning to recognize the things that tend to be uncomfortable and undesirable in my life, then try to grant “give” myself the time and the space to “feel” and above all extend “grace” to myself for all my life experiences. Bad and even unpleasant things are just part of life and are vital parts of the never-ending story that is our lives, YOUR LIFE! We are all created for a specific purpose and some individuals learn and grow quickly while for others it may take just bit longer, God loves each and every one of us, individually! Generation after generation, we all take pieces of our family’s values and traditions and mold them into something uniquely ours. Be brave and dare to dream your dreams, don’t be afraid of the experiences…may your life be a tapestry of all the beautiful things that make you, YOU! May the peace of God surround you always~
~Blessings and Peace~
HOPE SEEKER 