Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. ~Proverbs 16:18
Most of us like to think we grow and learn from our past mistakes. If I say I believe all things happen for a reason and trust that God has a plan, does that also mean I accept the fact that bad things happen to good people? I tell people I am not the person I was 10 years ago or even 15 years ago; however, the true reality of that statement is false. My DNA remains the same, my blood type is the same and to look at me I’m basically the same. What is it that moves me to say with such conviction, I am different? I am changed on the inside, the power of the Holy Spirit is at work within my very being. I have put an enormous amount of time and energy into understanding God’s purpose and plan for me and my life. I tried justifying my past decisions and actions, tried being what I thought others wanted and needed me to be. Convinced myself that my actions helped, even saved others. I guess I told myself and I heard myself saying over and over these things that I actually started to believe the excuses. I like to think of myself as brave but nothing could be further from the trust as least where my past actions are concerned. I’ve been a coward, I took others feeling for granted, I was selfish, I didn’t think about consequences. I could say I was young, which would be true and I could say I was blinded by love and again that would be true. I am thankful my story does not end here, although things may be true that does not mean they were right and decent. I have hoped and feared coming face to face with my past. Now that it is here, at times I feel frozen, scared to say or feel anything for fear that I will repeat past mistakes. Although God has always been a part of my life, the one big difference now is I do not want just part of me with God, I want, no I need all of me in God’s hands. I seek His will and not mine, but I am here to tell you that “Uncle Screwtape” has been working overtime this week, whispering things to try to break me, weaken me, distracting me from the truth. I allowed space and time to steal away precious time from connecting with God. In order for me to know God’s will for my life I have to be connected to God. All the wishing and hoping in the world can’t change the past, I will not be able to move forward until I can let go of the past. I keep trying to find some kind of logic and even search for hidden meanings in the past. The one and only thing I have control of is choosing to accept my role and take responsibility and learn from it. I can’t heal anyone but me, I can’t teach anyone else only learn the lessons for myself. As much as I want to help others I can be of no help until I help myself heal, help myself learn, forgive myself and most importantly “let it go…” Letting go does not make things disappear, it allows one to move forward, no longer to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of pain, guilt, and blame…that is not life God wants for any of us. I want to let go, God help me to let go…
Pride will have a fall. Those that are of a haughty spirit, that think of themselves above what is meet, and look with contempt upon others, that with their pride affront God and disquiet others, will be brought down, either by repentance or by ruin. It is the honour of God to humble the proud.
~Blessings and Peace~
The Screwtape Letters by: C.S.Lewis