I have spent the majority of my day crunching numbers, making excel spreadsheets and reviewing calendars, I said that today was a decision day and I should have mentioned an exhausting day.  There’s only one direction to proceed, that would be forward.  Much like the TV series (Star Trek) which I enjoy, I am bolding going where no one has gone before.  Although, it took me nearly half of my adult life to learn to be fiscally and financially aware, and dare I say responsible!  I am determined to see this process through, I know it will be emotional for me but more importantly, it will be freeing.  I have long wanted to be like my family and I am in so many ways, the core values my family and it’s generation after generation have remained solid and strong.  I am realizing that I do not need to be a carbon copy to express and share the love and respect that my parents and grandparents, great-grandparents…did on a daily basis, it was nothing but simply living and treating others as they wished to be treated.  I was so very blessed to have been able to know my grandparents and great-grandparents, it is a rarity today.  I admired my mom and grandmothers, family was everyone you knew!  My mom has been gone for nearly 2 years, immediately after I jumped into my mom’s role and as much as I want to be respectful of her wishes and a desire to fulfill her dreams, I cannot fill her shoes.  She does not need anyone to take her place, she is irreplaceable…I can’t be mom to me, be a mom to my brother and I cannot fill the void in my dad’s world.  I like to think that she is watching over me and sprinkling her courage and strength upon my shoulders.  I have this memory of myself in a blue dress, long light-brown hair blowing in the breeze and my arms out-stretched reaching for my mom and calling out to her…I certainly could use a mommy hug right now.  I will forever be her little girl.  So, I am lifting the cloak I’ve been under and stepping out of my mom’s shoes and back into my own.  I think she would be happy with that decision.  This journey is not going to be easy, this I know.  I will be facing truths and realities that I have kept at a distance from my heart because I thought that’s what I needed to do in order to help everyone around me to adjust to life without mom.  There can be no replacement for my mom, I haven’t even considered that because God has placed so many wonderful people in my life to help prepare me for this journey, I am so very blessed.  I get hugs that are very close to “mom hugs” and I am ever so grateful for the love I receive from all my friends and family.

Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV) “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—  “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Today is the day I choose and decisions made will impact my life in unknown ways.  I could say I’m scared, nervous, and fearful…individually or all together makes no different, my life will be forever changed. Each day whether or not we recognize it, we made decisions that alter the paths our lives take.  It is truly amazing the things we do without giving any thought to…my best example for myself is awareness of my surroundings, I do visual checks as if it’s just part of being human, but it’s not…we all have specific and special skills we perform with little or no preparation on a daily basis.  I know the journey that is set before me is not going to be easy or smooth, I anticipate that this year will be a period of refining.  I have an important task that needs considerable attention that will require me to do things I am not at all comfortable doing.  I am going to face obstacles that I have avoided for a very long time, I cannot move forward until I can release the darkness that holds me captive.  My heart and mind are in “fight or flight” mode and I want to flee, run away but I’m tired.  As long as I allow this darkness to remain I cannot be the woman (daughter, sister, aunt, cousin or friend) I was created to be.

Psalms 23: 4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

~Blessings and Peace~