Breakdown • Breakthrough

Started: May 22nd, 2024

Finished: May 26th, 2024

This was the last photo I ever took of my mom. It’s been 12 years today, when she went home to be with God, exactly 1 month after this was taken. She is missed everyday.

My dad passed away 6 months and to be honest, I’ve been struggling. Struggling with my feelings, of what and how to feel. I know that grief is a journey, we each travel at our own speed and phase. I am very aware that the world is filled with books about how one traverses the grief terrain. I’ve read several of them and I found them to be very helpful. As a reminder, there is no right or wrong way to grieve; as long as we do not cause harm to ourselves or others. In the case of loosing a parent, often talking with others who have experienced this life event can be beneficial. Physical death escape no one, we do; however, have a choice regarding our spiritual life or spiritual death. Jesus, the Son of God made a way for our redemption from sin, making it possible for an eternal life in Heaven with God, the Father, God, the Son and God, the Holy Spirit.

I am not sad that my parents are with God. I am ashamed that at times my faith is not strong enough to trust God. I believe in Christ, accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I try to live the life God intended for me but weakness at times overcomes me. I sometimes pursue unrealistic expectations for myself and feel like I deserve punishment when I stumble and fall. I am working on humbling myself before God, asking for help and forgiveness. I need to accept myself for who I am and be proud of the accomplishments that God had granted me. We are all children of God, we each are fighting our own battles that no one knows. Trust in God, trust in yourself and learn to trust others, your community and your friends and family.

On May, 22nd, 2024, after sleeping away most of the day, something I do on a regular basis on my days off. I decided it was time to clean the kitchen of dirty dishes and to clean the counters. I was loading the dishwasher and as I was loading a glass bowl, it either slipped from my hand or got caught on the rack and it dropped. It shattered into a million tiny pieces, it was unrecognizable as a bowl. Standing at the kitchen sink I began to cry. Not the quiet, slow tears trickling down your cheek. No. I was wailing and sobbing, I could not stop the tears. I found myself crying out to God, “It hurts” “It hurts, my heart hurts!” I wanted to stop the crying but it was like the flood gates had opened and I couldn’t stop. It was a long while before I could calm myself but I did. I reached out to a friend to talk with, it helped to share with someone that I was hurting. My friend, allowed me to cry and just listened on the other end of a phone call a state away. Sometimes, silence can speak volumes to the soul.

It’s been several days since I began this post, I just couldn’t finish it. I just needed to “sit with it on my heart.” Honestly, I do feel some better. I’ve been talking more with God recently and more important than talking is listening. Listening for God’s voice and the Holy Spirit leading me.

My One Word for 2024 is “authentic” and I am trying to be just that. I hope by sharing my story it will help someone else and offer encouragement.

Thank you, each person reading this. You matter to me and God loves you.

As I continue on my journey, I hope you will control travel with me. 🌻

~Charlotte, Striving Towards Genuine Authentic Living As A Child Of God