Reflections and Answers

Below is something I wrote over two years ago and reading it again today brings a rush of emotions.  I was searching for answers to fix what I thought was broken, God has provided answers and insights for me.  I felt very broken almost useless thinking that my gift of helping others was more of a curse.  I have discovered that God loves me and I should love myself, I was so consumed with loving others and helping others I completely ignored myself.  I have spent the past year exploring who I am, where I want to be, where God needs me to be and identifying my life priorities.  If you have been following my blog you would already know this piece of information, about a year ago I decided I no longer needed a TV in my home.  I found it to be a distraction and less of entertainment or relaxation.  I set a goal last year to read at least one book a month, I’m happy to say I read (13) books last year.  I also started this blog after lots of encouragement from some very dear friends…you know who you are, I am so very glad I took your advice!  The single most important aspect in my life over the past two years is my improved spiritual life, understanding and learning my purpose, learning that God created me for His glory.  I have found a church family where I know I am loved and cared for…just for being me, no strings attached.  I have formed new friendships and even renewed an old one. I am learning about my spiritual gifts as well as healthy boundaries so I can share my gifts with a joyful heart.  Some of the things we must do in life are not always pleasant or easy, those were not the promises of God, God promised to never leave us, we are never alone!  There’s still so much to learn, as I continue my trust in God, I pray for patience, knowledge and thanksgiving!  If you are struggling, turn to God, He’s always just a thought or prayer away.  Find support in family, friends or a local church…blessings to you, know that you are precious and you were created with purpose by God Almighty! Amen.

How can I “fix” always feeling like I need acceptance and approval from others? Realistically, I know others cannot achieve my expectations…I can’t achieve them. I rely on people when I should rely on God. I look around and I see chaos, selfishness, modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah! I see wasteful spending, wasted resources, charity for selfish gains. Sometimes I feel trapped in a time-warp continuum (the generation of hard work and appreciation for what I have & the generation of “entitlement”. I guess I cannot say for sure that most of America is ungrateful or unappreciative but in my corner of the world, most individuals today could not endure the hardships that our forefathers knowingly and courageously took upon themselves. I truly and whole-heartedly believe God loves all of us and not a single person on this earth is worthy of His love, but in spite of ourselves God still loves us and wants the very best for all of us. I guess looking at things in such a board view is overwhelming and seems to difficult, I need to remind myself it only takes one individual to begin anew, one kind act followed by another, the domino effect if you will. Faith no matter the size can change me, faith to accept and understand myself. I need to stop cluttering my life with things and hesitations, seek to find peace within. I shield myself from learning about myself, perhaps I won’t like what I might learn…I have traits I like about myself, but I believe I get scared of seeing where and what molded me to be the person I am today. Getting to the very edge of answers and I’m spooked and recoil back into myself, a protective shield that surrounds my very being.

September 12, 2011

~Blessings and Peace~