Anticipation

What do you do when you are expecting something?

Today, I was expecting to see an old friend, I got up early and ran all my errands, then rushed home to clean and straighten the apartment all with anticipation.  I wanted things to be neat and tidy for my friend, although she would never say anything if it had been messy!  The excitement and the waiting were unnerving at times.  Several thoughts raced through my mind, would she notice my weight loss, would she be excited and happy to see me…oh, the list or at least my mind raced into many different directions.  We have been friends for well over a decade, we have seen each other though many things over the years; from friends to lovers back to friends again.  My best description of our relationship is…family.  I will always love her and I will always wish for her happiness. She is strong and independent, smart and beautiful to mention a few of her traits.  I will always have a special place for her in my life and in my heart, although we are hundreds of miles apart, she knows that I am here for her anytime and I too can call upon her.  She used to tell me that I was her hero,  that made me feel invincible!   The most courageous thing she ever did was also one the most difficult things I have ever dealt with, telling me her love for me had changed, that was it and she never changed her mind or looked back from that moment.  Fast forward four years, she and I are different people today, wiser and more knowledgeable, I like to think.  The  breakup has been by far one the most difficult, heartbreaking journeys I have ever been through and has affected me so radically all I can do is say “Thank You” for loving me enough to let go.  I am a better person, a better friend and maybe someday a better lover, but none of this would even be possible if she had just stayed going through the motions.  You are probably wondering, why am I telling you this story…well I want to share the rest of my story with you and it only came to fruition because of that journey.  I had always identified myself by the people I loved and cared for, so when I was forced to live with myself it was uncomfortable, I did not like taking care of me as much as I liked taking care of others.  I discovered if I am not whole, I can not make someone else whole, I lacked the knowledge and skills to do that.  I am a stubborn individual and I was starving to be needed but I was looking in all the wrong places.   I started to look for order in my life, I wanted God but I wanted Him on my terms.  I searched for a community that could feed me spiritually but I was stubborn at this too.  I was scared to make choices of make myself vulnerable, I wanted love, peace and security…but I did not want to invest too much time finding these things.  So, after two plus years, I did find a church and a community of faith filled with a wealth of interesting people, who thought I was kind of interesting as well.  It has not been an easy road getting to the place I’m at right now, but I can say with all honesty, that through all the tears and fears I count it all a blessing.  God had always been a part of my life as far back as I can remember, I am so very thankful that God never gave up on me.  My joy comes from knowing where I’ve been and absolutely knowing where I going.  I can now lay claim my values knowing to  whom I belong and that I am loved by so many.  God was and is in control, I was merely delirious in thinking I was in control.   My future is in God’s hands as I seek to do His will and not mine.  I am fully aware that bad and probably sad things are going to happen in my life, none will compare to life without God, He created me, knew me before I was born, knew I would screw things up but loved me in spite of myself.  Life is hopeless without God, with God Life is Hope Filled!

~Peace and Blessings~