Asking For Mercy, Needing Forgiveness

I am reminded of the darkness that covered my afternoon with negativity and dishonor, as I sit here typing letters to this page, forming words to describe the feelings I have pinned up in my head, my very soul is agitated, feelings are bouncing around in my head, is that supposed to happen? I’m angry but failing to understand why?  When this day started I was focused and driven, by mid-afternoon I became a woman possessed…loud, negative and condescending, it was as if I lost total control of who I am.  I did not recognize the person I became, a  stranger in my body acting absurd and foolish.  I believe I actual had a temper tantrum, seriously at my age.  Could this anger come from being afraid? I’ve  never been good at asking for help, always thinking someone will figure me out  and just know what to do for me.  Less accountability on myself…I’ve never  been a mom but my mom could tell by the sound of my voice or simply my actions  to know something was up…I miss my mom.  I try to get what I need from my  friends, but when they fail to recognize my needs, I implode like an old forgotten casino in Vegas, giving way to new neon lights…I melt like ice cream  in late July!  As if its someone else’s responsibility to magically know what I  need! Oh God, I’m broken and I need help, help me find my missing pieces.  Teach  me to ask for what I need, show me the difference between making a request and  begging & being burdensome, teach me how to accept the truth.  I stand in  shame of my actions, wishing I could take it all back but what is done, is done.   Such finality of it all! Oh God of mercy I am utterly ashamed of my words and actions and though I am not worthy of your forgiveness, I seek your mercy and  grace to be upon me as I close out this day and may I be reminded of your  steadfast and unconditional love for me and that I will see others through eyes  of mercy and grace even in my humanness, to God be the glory forever and ever!   Amen.

Psalms 92

Psalm 136