Regarding the previous post, I may not like the truths and facts of my life BUT, without them I would not be the person I am today if I had not experienced all of the “not to pleasant” events in my life. To the person I loved and sacrificed for…I’d do it all again! My heart is forever changed because of you…I loved you more than I ever thought or imagined possible! I will always love you and I will always be your friend! To my high school friend, I know that you have your reasons that caused you to stop our conversations, when you are ready I’ll be here for you. I am the person I am because of all the good and bad things that have happened in my life. This blog is a result of those events and encouragement from friends to share my thoughts to a broader audience. Often, I think (selfishly) I am the only person to experience loss…the reality, as humans and creatures of habits…we all experience things sometime the same or in similar ways, God gave me the ability to write my feelings and I pray that through His gift others might find answers or commonalities to seek healing and guidance, not from me but from God, our Heavenly Father who loves us all. My friends, I love you all and each of you has touched my life in very profound ways! Peace ❤

As humans we are all born into a sinful nature. With that being said, I am struggling today, hating the facts and truths of my life like…that the person I loved with every part of my being no longer loved me or to have a high school friend show up in my life when I truly needed a friend to just one day decide she no longer wants to talk to me or give me a reason why and to no longer have my mom here with me and all those that loved her…this conditional world is cruel and full of disappointment and I guess most days I accept that and know that this is not my permanent home but today I’m weak, lonely, tired and angry wanting to act upon my anger but knowing that’s not the answer I’m searching for an outlet for this pain I carry inside me. I know God is there and maybe it makes me even weaker thinking I need more. I try so very hard to be all the things that my mom was to me and my family but I fail, I am not strong enough plus, I know that’s not really my role but I just want to love, be loved and help wherever I can, like my mom did. My point, and there is one…sometimes we think we have to hide our “true” self from everyone, I have hidden behind too many things in my life and I’m saying its ok to have days where everything feels wrong and to experience anger, strife, pain and loneliness, God does want us to go to Him but He also gave us family and friends to help lighten our load by sharing and encouraging one another…through tears, laughter, silence, hugging and most definitely prayer. I needed to be reminded of the message I wrote earlier stating that God never promised easy, He promised to always be with us.

My Peace I give you,
My Peace I leave with you!

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

I’ve been thinking a lot today of events in my life and how they have shaped and molded my life. We all have our share of good and let’s say, difficult times. I’ve learned that true happiness can only be appreciated when you’ve experienced maddening sadness, companionship is sweeter when you’ve tasted loneliness. In the past decade, I found love when I wasn’t looking for it, lost love without seeing it coming and my mom was taken to Heaven. Through all this I found myself…I’m learning to love myself as I love others. A lot of the time I feel very much like a lost little girl wanting her mom to find her, grab her and hold her tight. I know that’s not going to happen! I guess I want to be someone to somebody, but first I need to be someone to myself. I know that God has a plan for me…

It’s About Forgiveness

I have no right to be angry
But I am…

Life comes with no guarantees
It can consume us, if we allow it..

Self loathing and pity we give freely
Responsibility we hide in corners.

Out of sight, out of mind
Hoping it will be lost forever

Oh but it returns full of vigor
At the height of our pride

Making us humble and weak
Truth sometimes frees us

Truth often hurts before freeing us
No more burden to bare alone

Forgiveness, sweet as a spring rain
Refreshing and allows growth within

I want to dance in the rain
I want forgiveness
It must start with me…

~C.A.Robinson
August 25, 2012
2:16pm