That song has been one of my all-time favorite songs since I was a child. I remember singing it at church and at vacation bible school. It is such a powerful song, it’s one you can whisper or shout out with passion. Music is very powerful and it can help or hinder a person and their faith. I know God loves me and cares for me, it is I, who doubts and blames. God has this beautiful way of helping His children understand the world and our place and purpose within His world. I have learned to seek God’s will but I am also very human and I have sadly been disobedient, I’m sharing this life lesson in hopes of helping not just myself but others too. You may even recognize some of my actions maybe even reflect them. About nine months ago I embarked upon a journey and an experiment called “guided imagery.” Although, the experiment is clearly defined as imagery, I am a visual learner and had to improvise. I took a few words and placed them into a glass bottle with a lid. The words lost power over me once they were locked inside. The words I chose were (FEAR and PERFECTION). Fear in the sense that I was/am afraid to try new things because if I screw up someone will laugh and make fun of me. I am extremely fearful of anything I’ve never tried before. I am not fearful of everything, I am confident of a lot of things. I am not afraid of failure if I am skilled in the attempt…I’ve lost a lot even with skills and I simply pick myself up, dust myself off and try again. So, that’s the short story version of fear. Now there’s (PERFECTION)…let me clarify, perfection is not being perfect, that’s what I tell myself. I think one can strive for perfection, falling short of that is okay…keep striving and adding to ones skill set. I have a tendency to set unrealistic goals for myself, I even place unrealistic expectations upon my friends, family and coworkers. The writings I’ve included below were written a few years ago. I have found myself thinking about relationships (friendships and romantic one). Have you ever experienced the “deer in the headlight” moment? Or a moment in which you were completely taken by surprise with something and you simply freeze? We all handle these situations vastly different. Do you have a “go to” plan when these kind of things happen to you? I most definitely do and it’s worked for me most of my life for two separate reasons. Reason one, I close up and walk away. No resolve, no looking back. I would like to add, this method it not a healthy choice. Reason two, I fill up on anger, I feel as if everyone is looking at me and all I want to do is disappear. My chest becomes weighed down, I feel my blood racing through the veins and arteries in my neck. I hold my breath and fight back tears not wanting to give in because it is weakness. As I sit or stand thoughts of punishing myself and telling myself I am not worthy, fill my thoughts completely. So, I’m sure you have figured out that the two choices I listed neither are good ones. I never said they were, only that they have been my “go to” choices. Recently, I received a message from a friend questioning my actions…the question, innocent enough just a question. True, but what I heard was this…”What were you thinking? Why would you do such a thing? Don’t you know better? Can’t you follow directions? What is wrong with you? After each imagined phrase I felt myself shrinking, as if someone were standing in front of me and pointing, accusing and each word weighing more than the previous one until I am the smallest thing in the room, and yet I’m still there because to make me disappear would stop my existence and sport of belittling me to the edge of nothingness. My instinct was to shut down and walk away…but that’s not what my heart wanted. Staying in the present meant work, work to figure out the why’s and answer difficult questions. As I stated earlier the song “Blessed Assurance” is a favorite and when I heard a new song very similar called, “This is my Story” it instantly became a favorite. These two songs are a full circle for me. The fact that my friend wouldn’t just let me go, the fact that I didn’t want to give up has led me to where I am today. A lesson I’m learning is this, words only have power over us when we allow them permission. This is an opportunity to tell my story, recognize that my story isn’t over and I do not have to continue doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. I am worth giving another chance; I am not perfect and God never requested perfection only obedience. Jesus loves you, not your car, your home, your job…He loves you! Simply you, He’s got an amazing plan for your life. Join me in being the child that God created and created with a purpose and plan.
“Before I formed you in your mother’s body I chose you.Before you were born I set you apart to serve me.” ~Jeremiah 1:5
There Once was a Girl
There once was a girl, she cared a lot and gave a lot
There once was girl who fell in love, she loved a lot and gave a lot
There once was a girl who lost her love, she cried a lot and hurt a lot.
She tried and tried to move beyond the pain and the hurt.
There was once a girl, filled with wonder and cheer
There once was a girl she gave her heart away
There was once a girl, she had her heart returned and it hurt a lot
She cried and cried and tried to forget
She tried and tried to move beyond the pain, beyond the hurt
There was once a girl, she cared a lot, gave a lot, loved a lot …lost a lot
August, 18, 2010
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” ~John 14:1
“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart.” ~Proverbs 21:2
Being my own worst enemy
Never giving others the first opportunity to cut me down
Wanting to be a part of someone else life
Loneliness surrounds me, taking my breath away –
Choking me on the stagnant air that encompasses my mere existence
I feel trapped in my own skin covered with an impenetrable shield of self-preservation
Aching to be free from myself, afraid of happiness
Fearful to open doors just to have them slammed closed
My measure of worth in the hands of each person I encounter
I want to bleed to feel relief so much hidden inside nowhere to escape
Tears hidden in the dark, smiles mask the torment lurking beneath the surface
Wanting freedom, frighten of self, mirror reflections – a stranger but familiar
Vague memory of who I was or is it? Have I ever really known?
My Identity, as if it were as easy as looking at a map or following step by step instructions.
“The Lord appeared to us in the past. He said, “I have loved you with a love that lasts forever. I have kept on loving you with a kindness that never fails.” ~Jeremiah 31:3